OT - Tell Us A Joke

Fred19Flintstone

A group of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed to meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the buddies were again discussing where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed to meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, they again discussed where the should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed to meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed to meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed to meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

WeberWho

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning with his wife standing over him, shouting,

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

CeeGeeW

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us are blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Tjcoley

A traveling salesman trying to make a buck was driving through the plains of Nebraska when he decided to stop at a farmhouse coming up on his left. As he was walking up the driveway toward the front door of the house, a pig with three legs caught his eye. It was just hobbling through the grass. When the farmer answered the door and asked what he was selling, the salesman first asked about the three legged pig. "That pig is the most amazing pig in the land, son." The farmer said "Last year, our house caught fire when we were all asleep and that pig ran in and woke us all up one by one and saved our lives!" The salesman was surprised. "That is one special pig" He said. The Farmer replied, "That's not all. Last summer, that pig jumped into the pond and dragged my drowning son to safety. He would have died." The salesman was in disbelief as to how incredible this pig was. "One question. Why does he have 3 legs, is it from the fire?" He asked "No son, ya see, a pig like that you just don't eat all at one time."

Doc_Eggerton

A man goes into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.  The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

Gman2

Doc_Eggerton said:

A man goes into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.  The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

) )

Doc_Eggerton

A man goes to a psychiatrist who asks him what his problem is.  He says, sometimes I’m a Tepee sometimes I’m a Wigwam.  The psychiatrist says, you’re two tents.


PS, I was a psychology major.

marysvilleegger

I watched my first porn last night.......I couldn't believe how much weight I gained! X_X

Doc_Eggerton

Gman2 said:

Doc_Eggerton said:

A man goes into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.  The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

) )

I consider this the funniest joke I have ever heard.

NPHuskerFL

@marysvilleegger‌ :-B )

Zmokin

This is a true story.

My first time at a Hooter's was in Texas, Dallas fort Worth area.

I don't know if they were victims of a lawsuit or what, but the notion that everything in Texas is big was not true.

That Hooter's hired members of the ITBC, that's the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
It was definitely a family friendly restaurant, because we couldn't help but notice the table next to us was a "Bible Study Group".  We enjoyed our less than awesome chicken wings and beer, and then went in search of a better bar to hang out in.

since that encounter, every Hooter's I've been to did have the expected eye candy on display, but they all still have the same lackluster wings.

Doc_Eggerton

marysvilleegger said:

I watched my first porn last night.......I couldn't believe how much weight I gained! X_X

Right up there :-)

Jeepster47

@SGH ... okay, in honor of your lust/love of Hillary.

When Hillary was campaigning, she visited an old folks home and went about introducing herself to everyone.  Out in the hallway, she came upon a very old lady in a wheel chair.  Well, Hillary walked right up to the lady, stuck out her hand, and said, Hello, do you know who I am?"  To which the old lady replied, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you who you are."

Philly35

It's a little long but it's a good one!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..

' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

JohnInCarolina

Kim Jung Un, the leader of North Korea, looked out at the world one day and decided that James Franco and Seth Rogen were his mortal enemies.  

Little Steven

Two guys sitting in a bar. One says "I had a Freudian slip the other day." Other guy says "A Freudian slip...what's that?" First guy says "A Freudian slip is where you have something on your mind or are thinking something and you say what you're thinking instead of what you intend to say." Second gut says "I still don't understand." First guy says "Look I'm standing in line at the airport and I notice that one of the girls is extremely well endowed. Sure enough I get called to her wicket and she asks me what she could help me with. I said I would like two pickets to Titsburgh please. Now I was embarrassed and she was embarrased and that is a Freudian slip." Second guy says "Oh I know what you mean, I had one of those just the other morning." First guy says "What happened?" Second guy says "Well I'm sitting having breakfast with my wife and I went to say "Pass the butter Honey" and it came out "You fu#@ing B**t@H you've ruined my life""

grege345

If I could like that joke 100 time it wouldn't be giving its fair shake. ) @littlesteven

Zmokin

A traveling salesman walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.
While sipping his drink he looks around and notices a horse standing in the corner with a bushel of five dollar bills over-flowing under neath the horse.
So he asks the bartender, "What's with the horse in the corner?"
Bartender replies," Well, you put $5 in the basket and if you can make the horse laugh, all the money is yours."
So the Salesman thinks for a bit, walks over, puts a $5 in the basket, whispers in the horses ear and the horse starts laughing and doesn't stop laughing.  The bartender grabs the basket, gives the man is money and the salesman goes on his way.
About a year later, the traveling salesman is back in the same area and stops at the same bar.
sits down, orders a drink, and looks around.
Sees the horse in the corner with the bushel of $5 over-flowing again.
Calls over the bartender and asks if the same still goes.
Bartender says, "Nope, ever since you made the horse laugh, he laughs at anything, now the gig is, if you can make him cry the money is yours".
Salesman thinks about it and asks, " Can I take the horse out back, I promise I won't whip him or do anything to hurt him".
Bartender says, "Be my guest".
So the Salesman takes the horse out back, and when he returns with the horse, the horse is balling tears to woe begone.
so the bartender gives the bushel of money to the Salesman, and asks " no one but you ever got the horse to laugh, but then he always laughed after that, now you are the first person to ever make him cry, how did you do it."
Salesman says, " Well, see, the first time, I told him I was hung better than he was" ,
 "the second time I showed him".

TheShaytoon

Nipples.... Without them, tits would be Pointless.

Philly35

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to pee in the boat."

marysvilleegger

The coach for the Men's Buckeyes Basketball team is only dressing 6 guys tonight for the game......the rest are dressing themselves! )

Tjcoley

A Pirate walks into a bar with the ships steering wheel hanging from his belt.  Bartender says 'You know you have a steering wheel hanging from your belt?  Pirate says "Arrgh, it's driving me nuts'.

Acn

It probably works better being told, rather than reading it, but here goes:

There is a fly, and it is flying over a river on a beautiful fall day.

But what the fly doesn't know, is that in the river there is a fish. The fish is looking up, and thinking to himself - "If that fly drops a few inches, I can jump out of the river, catch the fly, and have myself a nice little snack."

But what the fish doesn't know, is that on the side of the river is a bear. And the bear is watching the scene and thinking to himself - "If that fly drops a few inches the fish will jump out of the river to catch the fly, and I can jump out, catch the fish, and have myself a nice little snack."

But what the bear doesn't know is that on the other side of the river is a hunter. And the hunter is watching the scene and thinking to himself - "If that fly drops a few inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will leap out to catch the fish, and I can stand up, shoot the bear, and have myself a nice bearskin rug."

But what the hunter doesn't know is that in the bush beside him is a mouse. And the mouse is watching the scene and thinking to himself - "if that fly drops a few inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will jump out to catch the fish, the hunter will stand up to shoot the bear, and I can run out, steal his sandwich and have myself a nice little snack."

But what the mouse doesn't know is that in the tree above him is a cat. And the cat is watching the scene and thinking to himself - "If that fly drops a few inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will jump out to catch the fish, the hunter will stand up to shoot the bear, the mouse will run out to steal the sandwich, and I can leap down, catch the mouse and have myself a nice little snack."

A couple of minutes later, the fly drops a few inches, the fish jumps to catch the fly, the bear leaps out to catch the fish, the hunter stands up to shoot the bear, the mouse runs out to steal the sandwich, and the cat jumps out to catch the mouse, but misses and lands in the river.

What's the moral of the story?

It takes a hell of a lot to get a p*u*s*s*y wet.

MJG

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a gynecologist? One snatches watches...

SaltySam

(read this one out loud)

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin.............and tonic"

Bartender says "What's with the big pause?"

The polar bear looks down and says, "I don't know...I've always had 'em"

KennyLee

Guy walks into a bar looking totally stressed, shell shocked and disheveled, orders and double whiskey, drinks it down and immediately orders another.

Bartender says: "Whoa, buddy, looks like you had a rough day."

Customer:  "Yeah, been at my divorce trial all week and all I can tell you is all lawyers are ass*&%#s.."

Guy at the end of the bar pipes up and says:  "Hey man, I heard what you said and I take offense to that!"

Divorced guy:  "Why?  Are you a lawyer?"

Guy responds:  "No.  I'm an ass*&^%!!" 

KennyLee

A grasshopper walks into a bar and hops up on the stool.

Bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!!"

The grasshopper looks at him funny and asks, "You've got a drink named Murray"?

lousubcap

After last weekend's USN-USA football game:

Guy walks into a bar and trailing behind is an old, mangy dog who promptly curls up in a corner and goes to sleep as the guy is bellying up to the bar.   Bartender comes over and says:  "No dogs allowed in here, you'll have to put him outside."   Guy says: "You can see he's an old dog, it's cold out there and I take him everywhere.  If he can do a trick you like will you let him stay?"   Bartender says: "Him do a trick?   That I would like to see."   Guy goes up to the dog and yells: "Navy beat Army".   Dog's ears immediately come up, he pops up, jumps on the bar, does thirteen back flips, barks out the rhythm of Anchors Weigh, jumps off the bar and promptly goes back to sleep in the corner.   Bartender says:  "That really is something - what does he do when Army beats Navy?"   Guy replies: "I don't know - he's just thirteen years old."

henapple

What does an Alabama cheerleader say after sex..."get off me daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes". >:)

Doc_Eggerton

MJG said:

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a gynecologist? One snatches watches...

Snort

nolaegghead

A koala bear and a prostitute hook up and have sex at a motel room.  Afterwards, the koala bear heads towards the door.  The prostitute says "hey, aren't you gonna pay me?"  The koala is like "wut"?! 

The prostitute walks over to the dresser where there's a dictionary (much more useful than a bible in this situation).  The prostitute looks up "Prostitute - has sex for money.".  

The koala flips through the dictionary and reads "koala bear - eats bush and leaves".