OT - Tell Us A Joke

Legume

I LOVE this thread.  I think I've only heard maybe 2 of these before.

GQuiz

What's 40 feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at the nursing home.

fishlessman

we get these on the radio every morning

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcIq5L9yoAY

theyolksonyou

Three young married couples were looking to join a new church. The preacher there told them that they only accept new members who could resist temptation and in order to prove themselves, they must abstain from sex for 4 weeks.

After the four week period the preacher ask couple 1, "Did you resist tempation?" The couple answered, "yes sir" "Welcome to the congregation"

Preacher asks couple 2, "Did you resist tempation?" "yes sir" "Welcome to the congregation"

Preacher to couple 3, "Were you able to resist tempation?" To which the man answered, "We were doing fine until the last week. Then she bent over in front of me and I couldn't stand it anymore. I took her right there."

The preacher replied, "I'm sorry, you're not welcome here anymore."

The man replied, "That's what they said at the Home Depot, too."

canman

A man is leaving a bar after having a few to many cocktails. He decides he has had enough that he should wallk home. He doesn't live far. Since it is late he takes a shortcut through the park.

As he walks through the park he hears a womans voice from behind the bushes. "You can have your way with me for $20". He thinks for a minute and decides to take advantage of it. After a few minutes of going at it, a policeman shows up, shines a light at them and says "what is going on here?"

The man responds "I'm just having sex with my wife officer". The officer doesn't know how to respond to that and just says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was your wife." To which the mans responds "I didn't either until you shined that light in her face".

theyolksonyou

mgillia said:

If a lesbian **** blocks another lesbian do you call it a beaver dam?

clam jam

Little Steven

OK it's going  south. Doctor, lawyer and a priest on a sinking ship waiting for the lifeboats. Stop me if you've heard it

Zmokin

OK, A traveling salesman walks into a bar and sits down for a drink.
After a couple of drinks, he calls over the bartender and asks him if he is a "betting man".
Bartender says "Maybe, what ya got"
Salesman says "I bet you $20 I can lick my left eye"
Bartender thinks about it, he's seen people who can lick their nose, but even they just barely get the tip of the tongue to reach, so he says "Ok, you're on!"
Salesman pops out his glass eye, licks it, pops it back into the socket.
Bartender pays him the $20 bucks and the Salesman goes on his way.

About a month later, the traveling salesman is back in the same neighborhood and stops in the same bar, orders a few drinks and hangs out.
After awhile, he calls over the bartender, says, "Hey, I'll bet you $20 I can bite my right eye".
Bartender thinks about it.  Hmm, last time he licked his left eye.  He gets around normal so he can't be blind with 2 glass eyes, so he takes the Salesman up on his bet.
Salesman pops out his false teeth, makes them chomp on his right eye, and pops his teeth back in his mouth.  Bartender cusses, but pays the Salesman and the sales guy goes on his way.

Another month rolls by and the salesman is back in the same neighborhood again and stops in the same bar, orders a couple of drinks and relaxes.  After a little while, he calls over the bartender and asks him if he wants to take a bet.  Bartender says, "No way, I've lost $20 to you twice, I don't want to lose anymore money betting with you"
Salesman says, "Wait, just hear me out.  I'll bet you $20 I can piss into a shot glass on your bar  from 3 feet away and get every drop in the glass" .
Bartender thinks about it, and says "What the heck, this I have to see, sure I'll take you up on your bet"
Bartender puts an empty shot glass on the bar, Salesman steps back, pulls out his wang and proceeds to piss all over the bar, not getting a single drop in the glass.  Bartender is jumping up & down screaming "I won the bet!!, I won the bet!!!"  Bartender cleans up the mess, Salesman sits back down and drinks his drink.
Bartender comes over and says, hey, "you just lost the bet and you don't seem bothered by it".
Salesman replies, "Yeah, see that guy in the corner, I bet him $50 I could pee on your bar and you wouldn't get mad at me"

TigerTony

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural. 
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?” 
About 90 students raise their hands. 
“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?” 
About 40 students raise their hands. 
“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 
15 students raise their hands. 
“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands. 
“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor. 
One student in the back raises his hand. 
The professor is astonished.

He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” 
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.” 
The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’

Little Steven

Little Steven said:

OK it's going  south. Doctor, lawyer and a priest on a sinking ship waiting for the lifeboats. Stop me if you've heard it

So the doctor says "We have to let the children go first"

Little Steven

canman said:

A man is leaving a bar after having a few to many cocktails. He decides he has had enough that he should wallk home. He doesn't live far. Since it is late he takes a shortcut through the park.

As he walks through the park he hears a womans voice from behind the bushes. "You can have your way with me for $20". He thinks for a minute and decides to take advantage of it. After a few minutes of going at it, a policeman shows up, shines a light at them and says "what is going on here?"

The man responds "I'm just having sex with my wife officer". The officer doesn't know how to respond to that and just says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was your wife." To which the mans responds "I didn't either until you shined that light in her face".

Now that's how ya waves a towel bye

TigerTony

Little Steven said:

Little Steven said:

OK it's going  south. Doctor, lawyer and a priest on a sinking ship waiting for the lifeboats. Stop me if you've heard it

So the doctor says "We have to let the children go first"

Is this the one with the sharks in the water?

Little Steven

No. I didn't want to start a flame war.

Doctor says " "we have to let the kids go first". Lawyer says "F4@k the kids". Priest says "Do we have time?"

TigerTony

Little Steven 

A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”

Fred19Flintstone

Joe walks into a bar and sees his buddy Mike sitting there.  Mike was obviously depressed about something so Joe goes over to see what's wrong. 

Mike said, "You know that beautiful woman at work I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

Chuckling, Joe said "Yeah."

"Well I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out and she said yes."

"That's great!  So when's your date?"

"I went to meet her tonight,  but I was worried about getting an erection again.  So I got some duct tape and taped my d!ck to my leg so if I got an erection, it wouldn't show."

"That seems reasonable."

"So I got to her door and rang the bell.  She answered dressed in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." 

"So what happened?"

"I kicked her in the face."

wbradking

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Zmokin

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way back I stopped at the gas station to get some gas, and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"well, just
what kind of ammo you got to trade?"

RRP

A door to door salesman rings the bell.

After 3 more rings with no response he turns to walk away.

Then the door opens and a small boy is standing there.

The salesman asks "hi Sonny, is your mother home?"

The boy replies "no, she is at work at the whore house."

"WOW" exclaimed the salesman. "Is your mother a prostitute?"

The boy replies "no she is a subsitute"

The salesman excitedly replied "Well I'll be a son-of-a-****!"

and the boy said "Well, so am I, but I sure the hell don't run around ringing door bells and telling people!"

Mikee

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
...
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh*ts in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides...

anton

Do you know what the difference is between a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and a vacuum cleaner?

On the Harley, the dirtbag goes on the outside.

nolaegghead

Do you know the difference between a cactus and a BMW?  On a cactus, the prick is on the outside.

(and we have a couple BMWs, so I know what I'm talking about).

badinfluence

What does a near sighted gynecologist and a healthy puppy have in commen?

A wet nose.

badinfluence

How do you hide money from a truck driver?

Put it under a bar of soap

Austin Egghead

Getting a hairdryer through customs... 

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? 

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'   

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you  have to declare from your waist to the floor?

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but  which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Fred19Flintstone

A farmer has three daughters and they were all going on their first date. The farmer is very protective of them, so he decides to greet the suitors at the door with a shotgun.

The first suitor rings the bell and when the farmer opened the door, the guy said, "My name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" Well, the farmer looks him over and decides he's ok so Joe & Flo go to the show.

The next suitor rings the bell and when the farmer opens the door, the guy said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Well, the farmer looks him over and decides he's ok so Eddie and Betty go out for spaghetti.

The third suitor rings the bell and when the farmer opens the door, the guy said, "My name's Chuck." And the farmer shot him.

lousubcap

Bump for those that only cruise this place on the weekends...let the millennials load 'er up >-

Skiddymarker

Nice young lady wants to return a disposable BBQ. The clerk asks what the problem was and why did she want to return it? She replies that there is no meat in the BBQ package. The clerk tells her the BBQ is meant to cook food and doesn't actually contain any food. While looking at her receipt, the clerk notices that she had in fact bought two disposable BBQs and asked if she wanted to return the other one as well. Well yes she replied but I don't have it with me, it's at home in the freezer. 

Skiddymarker

It is all in the way you look at it.....

Tjcoley

Little Steven

Great thread Freddie! All my years on the forum ain't never seen this one. Mods will get it eventually