OT - Tell Us A Joke

Austin Egghead

Tjcoley said:

I am so stealing that... )

Fred19Flintstone

A married couple goes to bed one night.  The husband feeling amorous starts rubbing his wife's back.  She turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh as a daisy."

The husband rolls over feeling rejected, but still quite horny.  He tries to sleep for a couple of minutes, but its no use.  He turns back to his wife and whispers, "Dear, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?" 

GK59

Freddie . Cute joke about gettin' frisky with Wilma . It's going to be another cold winter pal. Remember this past winter?. 

I'm sure she will forgive you if you cook her a nice fillet and don't ask for any thing in return this weekend.

sumoconnell

Here is the dirtiest joke with not swears--- best told with full simulated hip motion.

Little Johnny comes home and can't find his parents, he looks all around the house.  He opens his parents' bedroom door, and he finds his dad, with his mom bent over, just going at it all nasty.

Dad, without loosing a beat, looks over and says "Uh, Johnny, go up to your room and I'll be up there in about.. uh.... 5 or 10 minutes and we can talk"  Dad keeps on truckin'

Well, a few minutes later, Dad is ready to go talk to Johnny.  He looks all over the house and can't find him.  Finally, he goes up to Johnny's room and opens the door....

He finds Johnny there with Grandma bent over - just going at it hard!!  Dad says - "Johnny, what the heck is going on!?!?"

Johnny looks over and says "It's not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Little Steven

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day. The man looked over at his wife and said, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the XL egg." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the egg, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yup, I was right -- your butt is two inches wider than the  XL!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night, in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances toward his wife, who completely brushed him off. "What's wrong?" he asked. She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up the egg for one little weenie?"

caliking

nolaegghead said:

Do you know the difference between a cactus and a BMW?  On a cactus, the prick is on the outside.

(and we have a couple BMWs, so I know what I'm talking about).

That's kind of like -

"What's a colonoscopy?"

A medical procedure performed with a device which has an @sshole at both ends.

Tjcoley

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

henapple

For @fredflinstone after his wife jokes...

Austin Egghead

Hell Explained by Chemistry Student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.   If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Fred19Flintstone

henapple said:

For @fredflinstone after his wife jokes...

Thanks!  Lucy Leftie really appreciates it because calluses are a beotch!  Don't bother wrapping it, but please send it Fed-Ex Priority Overnight.  Thanks again! 

Zmokin

3 engineering students were discussing theology one night. and trying to decide what kind of Engineer god must be.

The mechanical engineering student says, God must be a Mechanical engineer.  Look at the human skeleton, it's a marvel of engineering, the design of the thumb joint that moves into an opposable position.  The muscular structure that so nimbly controls the movement of the skeleton, Yes, I think God must be a Mechanical Engineer.

The electrical engineering student says, No I'm sorry, you have it all wrong.  Look at the brain and the nervous system which operate on electrical signals.  The computing power of the human brain, memory storage, all of the sensors for touch, smell, taste, light sensing organs called eyes, and the wiring requirements to control the muscles you speak of so eloquently, Nope, I'm sure God is an Electrical Engineer.

And the Civil Engineering Student pipes up, Sorry, both of you guys are wrong.  God has to be a Civil Engineer.  Who else would put a toxic waste pipeline through the middle of an entertainment district.

Smokin_Trout

Just a pic

henapple

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says..."I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

Zmokin

Zmokin said:

And the Civil Engineering Student pipes up, Sorry, both of you guys are wrong.  God has to be a Civil Engineer.  Who else would put a toxic waste pipeline through the middle of an entertainment district.

I just realized I made a small mistake on my joke, but it is too late for me to edit it.
But for those who want to re-tell it in person, "entertainment district" should be replaced with "Amusement Park."

henapple

There's a difference where the toxic pipe goes?

theyolksonyou

We engineers are all about the details.

Zmokin

theyolksonyou said:

We engineers are all about the details.

Exactly!!!

You know the saying about "Close enough for Government work"?

That's where you measure it with a micrometer, mark it with a piece of chalk, and cut it with a chainsaw.

Fred19Flintstone

Zmokin said:

theyolksonyou said:

We engineers are all about the details.

Exactly!!!

You know the saying about "Close enough for Government work"?

That's where you measure it with a micrometer, mark it with a piece of chalk, and cut it with a chainsaw.

You don't know anything about us guvmint types.  First of all, we don't measure.  We let others do that so if there's an error, we can blame them.  If we must measure, we "eyeball it".  Second, we use crayon to mark anything.  It smears which helps with the strategy of avoiding responsibility.  Also, it's proven dogs can't resist the flavor of crayons.  They love 'em!  Any kid with a dog that does their math homework in crayon knows that trick all too well.  Lastly cutting.  Are you serious????  When was the last time you heard of the guvmint cutting anything???

Zmokin

Fred19Flintstone said:

Zmokin said:

theyolksonyou said:

We engineers are all about the details.

Exactly!!!

You know the saying about "Close enough for Government work"?

That's where you measure it with a micrometer, mark it with a piece of chalk, and cut it with a chainsaw.

You don't know anything about us guvmint types.  First of all, we don't measure.  We let others do that so if there's an error, we can blame them.  If we must measure, we "eyeball it".  Second, we use crayon to mark anything.  It smears which helps with the strategy of avoiding responsibility.  Also, it's proven dogs can't resist the flavor of crayons.  They love 'em!  Any kid with a dog that does their math homework in crayon knows that trick all too well.  Lastly cutting.  Are you serious????  When was the last time you heard of the guvmint cutting anything???

Naw, I'm talking about the sub-contractors working on a government project.

Zmokin

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

Zmokin

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"
 The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.   Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

 The man walks back to the curio shop.
 "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
 "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a bronze Muslim cleric & anything French."

caliking

Zmokin said:

Zmokin said:

 

I just realized I made a small mistake on my joke, but it is too late for me to edit it.
But for those who want to re-tell it in person, "entertainment district" should be replaced with "Amusement Park."

I think "entertainment district" sounds way more fun.

Caboholic_EggHead

Why do Sally fall off the swing? She has no arms.

Caboholic_EggHead

Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

JohnInCarolina

What's the difference between four year old girls and terrorists? You can negotiate with terrorists.

DMW

JohnInCarolina said:

What's the difference between four year old girls and terrorists?


You can negotiate with terrorists.

Speaking from recent experience?

Holepuncher

This ol boy from,(you pick the state). Gets cancer . He goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him 6 months to live, He doesn't pay his bill....................the doctor gives him 6 more months!

Zmokin

Do you know what an agnostic dyslexic insomniac is?









Someone that stays awake at night pondering the existence of dog.

Zmokin

Little Johnny is sitting on the sidewalk smashing ants with his thumb. Every ant he kills he mutters "f---ing red ants, f---ing red ants".  Priest walks by and stops and asks "Johnny, what are doing"
Johnny answers, "I'm smashing these f---ing red ants"
Priest responds, "Johnny, that isn't very nice, those ants are just one of God's creatures.  Everything god created has a purpose.  Can you tell me three things that God made that have no purpose."
Little Johnny answers, "Yeah, **** on a priest, tits on a nun, and these f---ing red ants!"

lousubcap

Horth Withperer

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.  Sam asks "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

 So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.  "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over."Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse'ears."Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. 

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?" Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him to the ground.

 The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephwrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"