OT - Tell Us A Joke

TigerTony

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

Doc_Eggerton

TigerTony said:

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

Not F...ing bad.

NPHuskerFL

@lousubcap‌ ) :-bd It's a Bakers Dozen for our Midshipmen! Gonna steal that one shipmate. :-)

NPHuskerFL

henapple said:

What does an Alabama cheerleader say after sex..."get off me daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes". >:)

Thought she turned on the dome light & asked if they were all on the same team X_X

NPHuskerFL

Why is it so difficult to solve a murder in Oklahoma?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

NPHuskerFL

What do you say to the sprinting FSU QB?
Jameis you're gonna have to pay for those crab legs.

SoCalTim

I remember the first time I had sex. I was so afraid. I was all alone.

Mikee

Johnny, a young boy finally reached puberty and was in bed masturbating. His mother walked and saw what was going on. She said "you're going to go blind doing that". Johnny replied "no mom, I am going to stop when I need glasses".

Fred19Flintstone

A man goes to his local church and says, "Father, I have done a terrible thing.  I have committed adultery and I would like some absolution."

The priest says, "Tim I'm glad you've come here.  Now before I can give you absolution, you must tell me who you committed adultery with."

"Father please, I can't divulge her name."

"Tim, you're going to have to tell me.  Was it Mrs. Smith, the butcher's wife?"

"Father, it wasn't Mrs. Smith.  But please, I won't divulge her name."

"Tim, I'm a priest.  You can tell me.  Was it Mrs.Jones, the grocer's wife?"

"Father, I told you I can't tell you her name."

"I'm sorry Tim, but unless you tell me who you committed adultery with, I can't give you absolution."

Tim walks out of the church and his friend asks, "Hey, Tim.  Did you get absolution?"

Tim replies, "No, but I got a couple wonderful leads."

Fred19Flintstone

Ok, I was saving this one...

Me and Wilma are out in the yard.  I got the Egg going and Wilma's bent over weeding the flower bed.  I look down at her and say, "Gee, your butt's getting big.  I bet it's bigger than my Egg."  To be sure I go get a measuring tape and measure my Egg and measure Wilma's butt.  "I was right!  Your butt's two inches wider than my Egg!"  Wilma chooses to ignore the remark.

That night in bed, I'm feeling a little frisky and make some moves on Wilma.  She brushes me off.  I ask, "What's wrong?"

Wilma replies, "Do you think I'm going to fire up my Egg to cook your wiener?"

UncleFred

The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree!

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to put it?

...Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.

lkapigian

Not really a joke, but I was at the Green Olive last last night when 86 year old Mary Adams came in for her weekly martini , i Said "Mary , how was your day" she said, " well I was at the park feeding the ducks when a man came up and exposed himself to me" i Said " oh my god what happened" she said " well, at my age I thought I'd have a stroke.....but my arthritis has gotten so bad, I couldn't quite reach "

hapster

I'll probably get banned for this...

What's the difference between driving in fog and eating pu$$y?

At least when you're eating pu$$y, you can see the a$$hole in front of you.


Pulled a ab muscle the first time I heard this I was laughing so hard...

nolaegghead

Sorta but not xacly like the old: what's the difference between pu$$y and parsley?  No one eats parsley.

I don't discriminate.

nolaegghead

hell, the forum's cybernetic id and super-ego turned "pu$$y" (not sic) into "****"

Tjcoley

I eat parsley.

nolaegghead

I chow down on parsley.  Sometimes I'll even season it with some meat.

nolaegghead

Zmokin said:

This is a true story.

My first time at a Hooter's was in Texas, Dallas fort Worth area.

I don't know if they were victims of a lawsuit or what, but the notion that everything in Texas is big was not true.

That Hooter's hired members of the ITBC, that's the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
It was definitely a family friendly restaurant, because we couldn't help but notice the table next to us was a "Bible Study Group".  We enjoyed our less than awesome chicken wings and beer, and then went in search of a better bar to hang out in.

since that encounter, every Hooter's I've been to did have the expected eye candy on display, but they all still have the same lackluster wings.

Bible study at Hooters?  That's just about the funniest thing I've ever heard.

If you get to the root of it, that's exactly why they have Hooters.

Acn

 

henapple said:

What does an Alabama cheerleader say after sex..."get off me daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes". >:)

I heard this as "What are a West Virginia girl's first words during sex?"

In the same vein - How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Because if it had been invented anywhere else it would be a teethbrush.

Fred19Flintstone

One Christmas A little boy was riding his new bike down the street. A cop on a horse comes up to him.

Cop: "Hey that's a great looking bike. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Boy: "He sure did!"

Cop: "Well maybe next year you'll tell Santa to put a reflector on the back."

The cop writes a $40 ticket for the safety violation. As he hands the boy the ticket...

Boy: "Gee, that's a great looking horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The cop plays along. "He sure did!"

Boy: "Well maybe next year you'll tell Santa to put the d!ck on the bottom of the horse instead of on top,"

Botch

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. Some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Last weekend I was out for an evening with friends and had several ****tails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.  

JethroVA

Jews don't recognize Christ, Espiscopalians don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

mgillia

HELL OF A DAY

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps Up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

 

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

 

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."

 

 "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

mgillia

If a lesbian **** blocks another lesbian do you call it a beaver dam?

Foghorn

This is the dirtiest clean joke I know:

 

A mother and father are struggling with the fact that their 7 year old son has a filthy mouth.  As Christmas is approaching they ask him what he would like from Santa and he says "A f***ing train track and a g*d d*mn m*therf***ing bicycle."  They have been to counselors and psychologists and nothing has worked so far.  When they take him to the mall to see Santa, as he waits in line with his mother, the father sneaks up and warns Santa and asks him not to make a scene as one of the strategies is to not give him extra attention because of the dirty words.  When the boy gets on Santa's lap he tells Santa I want a f***ing train track and a g*d d*mn m*therf***ing bicycle."  Santa shrugs it off and moves along.

A little while later as they are walking around the mall, a strange man approaches the parents and pulls them aside to talk.  He says "You don't recognize me because I'm not in the Santa outfit, but I am a behavioral child psychologist and I have a suggestion for how to handle your son's issue.  This Christmas season may be the perfect time to provide some negative reinforcement for this bad behavior and you may be able to extinguish the behavior.  He needs to learn that this is not the appropriate way to ask for things.  The best way to learn this is for him to not get them and to get something really negative instead.  I would suggest that when he wakes up on Christmas morning, instead of finding a train track under the tree or a bicycle in the garage he should find something like dog sh*t.  From this he will learn that his bad behavior will have negative consequences."

As the parents didn't have any better idea, they figured they would give it a shot.

On Christmas morning, the boy ran out to look under the tree for his train track and found only a dog turd with his name on it.  He then went into the garage and found even more dog sh*t with his name on it. So, he went out into the front yard and started looking up and down the street.  The kid from across the street was riding his new bike and ringing the bell on it as he rode by and said "I got this new bike for Christmas!  What did you get?"

The little boy replied "I GOT A F*CKING DOG, BUT I CAN'T FIND THE S*N OF A B*TCH."

55drum

mgillia

 

mgillia

NOOKIE GREEN

 

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church..

     

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

     

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

     

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

     

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

 

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

     

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

     

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

     

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

 

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

     

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

CeeGeeW

CeeGeeW