OT - Tell Us A Joke

lousubcap

Shameless bump-let's go all you weekend warriors. Laughs are good for the soul.

dmchicago

A kids walking along the street and he sees a welders mask. So the kids excited and he picks it up and puts it on. He plays with the eye visor, flipping it up and down.

Just then a guy in a van comes along and says "hey kid, you want a ride?"

The kid thinks why not so he gets in the van. As they're driving the guy says to the kid "hey kid, do you know what masturbation is?"

The kid says no.

The guy says "hey kid, do you know what dry humping is?"

The kid says no.

The guy then says "hey kid do you know what a blow job is?"

The kid finally looks at the guy and says "hey mister, I gotta tell you, I'm not really a welder".

westernbbq

A guy moves from the south out to California and applies for a job at a new retail outlet complex- the concept is 'Everything under one roof'.  The interviewer asks the man if he has any experience in sales, and he says, 'yeah, I was a salesman for the last few years'.

So, after his first day on the job, the manager comes by and asks the new hire how his first day went.  "I think it went pretty well" said the young associate.  "How much merchandise did you sell?" asked the manager. The young associate replied, "Let's see here, my tape total for the day is $164,437.68.  Astonished, the manager exclaimed, "Wow, that's a record for this company for single-register sales, how many customers did you have?"  "One" the salesman replied.  The manager asked, "What did the customer buy?"  To which the salesman replied, "Well, first I sold him a fish hook then some test line, and a new graphite rod and a new reel and a new some lures.  When I asked him where he was planning to go fishing, he said he was going over to the coast.  Then I told him he should check out the special on bass boats in the boat department so I sold him the boat with the state of the art fish finder, all the camping gear setup, and a few more rods and reels.  Then he needed a trailer for the boat so I sold him the one that had the bbq grill and outdoor kitchen attachment, and then when he pulled up with his Honda Accord to tow the boat, it wasn't powerful enough to tow the boat so I sold him that custom Hummer Outdoorsman edition from the automotive department."  Stunned, the manager asks, "Do you mean to tell me that a guy came here for some fishing line and a hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"  "Oh, no" said the salesman "he came in here right when we opened up in a panic and asked where the tampons were."  So I said, "Well, you're weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

GoVols

What kind of bees give milk , rather than honey..Boobies

tjosborne

What do you get when your donkey eats both legs off a rooster? 2 feet of **** in your ass.

DMW

How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13...13."

The fence was a little too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14...14...14."

HendersonTRKing

2 guys are driving along a long and lonely road through the middle of nowhere.  Driver looks out the window and sees a sheep with its head caught in a fence.  He pulls over, jumps out, runs over behind the sheep, drops his pants and has his way with it.  Guy cleans up, gets back in the car and says to his buddy, "Hey, you want some of that?"  His buddy says "Sure!!", runs over to the fence, sticks his head through . . .

Mkadilla

A young girl approaches her mother one day and asks Mommy, where do babies come from?

Her mother is a bit taken back, but decides to explain the facts of life. Her mother explains that a woman has a vagina and a man has a penis. The man puts his penis into a woman's vagina....that's where babies come from. The young girl acts confused and retorts: but Mommy, I walked by your bedroom the other night and Daddy had his penis in your mouth...I thought that's where babies come from?

Her mother replies: Ha Ha Ha.....Honey, that's where jewelry comes from....

Ba Da Boom!

mattb169

Why doesn't Santa have any children? 

He only comes ones a year and when he does he goes down the chimney.

bboulier

DMW

henapple

Three legged dog walks into the saloon and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

Zmokin

Don't know that this is a joke, but it's entertaining.  A friend just emailed it to me.

A very skillful politician:

 

WHISKEY
 

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Texas Political Archives): "If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.   However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies   and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you  mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.   This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."

Fred19Flintstone

henapple said:

Three legged dog walks into the saloon and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

You drunkard!  You already posted that one. 

Mikee

How many Pollock's does it take to make popcorn?

5. One to hold the pot and 4 to shake the stove.

theyolksonyou

Just saw this one on FB:

How to lose your job.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’

‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Foghorn

Rejected Dr. Seuss book titles:

 

How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out!

The Cat in the Microwave

Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?

The Fox in Detox

The Grinch’s Ten Inches

One ****, Two ****, Dead ****, Blue ****

Zippy the Gerbil

My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

Who Shat in the Hat?

Horton Hires a Ho

Aunts in My Pants

The Flesh-Eating Lorax

Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!

Yentl the Lentil

caliking

Here's my contribution:

An Indian guy calls a dentist, and asks "Do you do tooth extractions?"

Dentist - "Yes, I do."

IG- "How much do you charge for the procedure?"

D- "$2000."

IG - "Wow! That's a lot of money! Is there a discount if a trainee or dental student does it?"

D- "Well, we could do it for $1200, in that case. It would be a good training opportunity."

IG- "What if you don't use any anesthetic?"

The dentist thinks for a bit. "That's not typical, but we could probably lower the fee to $800."

IG- "What if I let you make a video of the procedure to teach other students?"

The dentist thinks a bit more. "If you let us make an instructional video to teach our trainees, we could pay you $200, but that's about as much as we can do for you."

IG- "That's great!!

When can I make an appointment for my mother-in-law? She needs a tooth extracted."

lousubcap

Two four year old boys arrive at a hospital for the first of the day procedures.  One boys asks “What are you here for?”.  The other replies, “I’m getting my tonsils out and I’m scared.” 

The first kid says, “Had that done last year-you will be fine.  When you wake up they feed you ice-cream and  milk shakes. “

Feeling better , the kid asks  “What are you here for?”  The other boy says “Circumcision .”   To which the kid replies, “Whoa buddy, good luck with that.  Had it done when I was born, couldn’t walk for a year!”

DMW

berndcrisp

Bob Eucker and Bubba Smith are vacationing in Rome and go to the Vatican. They go out the back and enter a beautiful garden. Bubba is getting hungry and the two decide to have a picnic.

They set out and get a small grill, burgers, dogs, all the fixins, sides and a case of Peroni. A little time passes, the food is on the grill and Bubba goes to pee behind a tree. Taking in the view he turns to see Bob being blessed by the Pope.

Bubba finishes up goes back to Bob and excitedly says, " Bob that was incredible you got blessed by the Pope"

"Not exactly Bubba"

"Well what did he say Bob?"

"You, take your grill, the dude over there peeing on the tree and get the f*(# out of here"

Tjcoley

If you get cold, sit in a corner.  It's 90 degrees.
This is acute joke.

theyolksonyou

Tjcoley said:

.
This is acute joke.

that's not right

Fred19Flintstone

Tjcoley said:

If you get cold, sit in a corner.  It's 90 degrees.
This is acute joke.

Maybe it's an obtuse joke?

Sorry TJ. I couldn't resist.

DTEgg

Late one Friday evening, a man takes his sweetheart to a fur store and tells her to pick out whatever she would like.  She picks out a full-length stole and he writes the salesman a check.  He tells the salesman to have the coat ready first thing on Monday.  When he arrives at the store on Monday morning the salesman is upset, says there was no money in the account and the check bounced.  The guys smiles and says yeah, I know, I just stopped in to say thanks for the best weekend ever!

Fred19Flintstone

Bumping because I'm bored waiting for the Lions game.

John takes his blind date to the carnival and asks, "What would you like to do first, Kim?"  She says, "I want to get weighed."  So they go to the weight guesser and he guesses 120.  She steps on the scale and it says 117 so she wins a prize.  Next the couple ride on the ferris wheel and when the ride is over, John asks Kim what she wants to do.  She replies, "I want to get weighed."  So they go back to the weight guesser and since they had already been there, the guesser says 117 and John lost his dollar.

They walk around the carnival a bit more when John asks Kim what she wants to do next.  "I want to get weighed."   John figures she's kinda strange and he takes her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.  Kim's roommate asks how the date went and Kim said, "Oh Waura!  It was wousy!" 

Greeno55

Fred19Flintstone said:

If you get cold, sit in a corner.  It's 90 degrees.
This is acute joke.

Maybe it's an obtuse joke? Sorry TJ. I couldn't resist.

I think it's just right.

Metalmaker

12 year old boy goes into a bar and says "Barmaid get me a whiskey". Barmaid says "You tryin' to get me in trouble?" The boy says "Maybe later b**ch, right now I want a whiskey" 

TigerTony

Renault  & Ford Joint Venture 

 

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car 

for women. From the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have

designed the ‘Clitaurus.’ It comes in pink and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

 

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month

and can be a real **** to start in the morning!  Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get

it to turn over.

 

New models are initially fun to own, but are very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.  Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age.  Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.  Most owners

find it is best to lease one and replace when it becomes troublesome. 

TigerTony

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob...... I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around...... In fact, probably more than you.

I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt,....... and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The man, outraged and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

#### auto correct! Should have read "wifi, not "wife".