It's time for another joke thread

SemolinaPilchard

fishlessman said:

Eleven days after Barry took office they nominate him for a Nobel Prize. One day after Trump takes office they will protest. It is nice to see how they all give it some time to see exactly what the new leader will actually do before crowning or condemning them. It is a shame they can not see how this shows that the ones doing the crowning or condemning have no credibility.

JohnInCarolina

DoubleEgger

If you guys hate Trump so much, why don't you cash out your stock market earnings since the election and give it away?  Just wouldn't seem right for you to profit off of your arch enemy. 

JohnInCarolina

DoubleEgger said:

If you guys hate Trump so much, why don't you cash out your stock market earnings since the election and give it away?  Just wouldn't seem right for you to profit off of your arch enemy. 

This is a joke thread.  I think the point is to post things that are funny.  

blind99

SciAggie said:

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?





OMG... just breathe. BREATHE!!!!!!!!!

It's a joke thread, right? Nobody said they had to be good ones.

Those are the best kind. 

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?





dam!

EggHeadinFlorida

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUC*ING BADGE!"

Gamecockeggman

Three Irish guys walk out of a bar........

what!?!?!?  It could happen

GATraveller

fishlessman said:

That's going to leave a lot of men at home with no sammiches that day......

fishlessman

GATraveller said:

fishlessman said:

That's going to leave a lot of men at home with no sammiches that day......

theres 23 shopping days to stock up the beer fridge and liquor shelves

DaveRichardson

   From a few years back.....


           COFFEE HURTS  

 

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February 2011 with my 7-year-old granddaughter, and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

 

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose ..

DaveRichardson

The Engineer

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer... you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of discomfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there. Send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?"

DaveRichardson

A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the bartender says, "If you are such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me."

The customer says, "No problem, name it."

The bartender says, "Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night; you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it. Third, there's a hooker upstairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up there and make her cum."

The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the bar. After that he says, "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes the man to the back room and shuts the door.

For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says, "OK, where's the hooker with the abcessed tooth?"

JohnInCarolina

noregard

Two atoms are sitting at a bar.  One says "I lost my electrons!", the other atom says "Are you positive?".

JustineCaseyFeldown

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

theyolksonyou

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

Hntnhrd

Acn

Acn

The Cen-Tex Smoker said:

Donald Trump is the president of the United States of America

JohnInCarolina

JRWhitee

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, " I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a 7 round magazine and one in the chamber and want to know who has been sleeping with my wife". A voice from the back of the room called out, "you need more ammo!"

JohnInCarolina

Hub

Saw the title and thought what a great idea ... came here to post a great joke about Donald Duck shopping for chapstick at a convenience store ... saw all the political stuff ... decided to leave thread without posting joke ... SMH .. can we not do the political thing here? Is it that difficult to keep your damn politics to yourself?!?

JohnInCarolina

Hub said:

Saw the title and thought what a great idea ... came here to post a great joke about Donald Duck shopping for chapstick at a convenience store ... saw all the political stuff ... decided to leave thread without posting joke ... SMH .. can we not do the political thing here? Is it that difficult to keep your damn politics to yourself?!?

They're all jokes buddy.  Lighten up!

nolaegghead

Who jokes about politics?

EggHeadinFlorida

Bawahahaha ha LMMFAO!!

bgebrent

nolaegghead said:

Who jokes about politics?

Let's keep this joke thread serious about joking.

theyolksonyou

bgebrent said:

nolaegghead said:

Who jokes about politics?

Let's keep this joke thread serious about joking.

I take my jokes seriously and my politics jokingly.  A$$holes. Straighten up. 

Really don't know what that means. 

northGAcock

theyolksonyou said:

The Cen-Tex Smoker said:

Donald Trump is the president of the United States of America

Punchline: and it could've been worse. 

Ba da Da

That's jokes Jason....not yolks. 

DMW

theyolksonyou said:

bgebrent said:

nolaegghead said:

Who jokes about politics?

Let's keep this joke thread serious about joking.

I take my jokes seriously and my politics jokingly.  A$$holes. Straighten up. 

Really don't know what that means. 

It means you should reconsider your life choices.








BTW, this is a joke thread.