OT- The Daily Joke

Sardonicus

The Cen-Tex Smoker said:

I think they prefer to be called "little people"

I sit corrected.

(I wondered, briefly, if anyone would bother to call me on that.)

JRWhitee

Eileen and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. She went on and on: Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra,and put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow! Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to John and said, This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...Can you do this? John thought for a moment and replied, "well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays. I always play golf.

DMW

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, 
Gail

JRWhitee

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said "nothing" The reason I said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have asked, "about what". At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Woman always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kick in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking. I have come up with the answer that question. Getting kick in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "you know, I think it would be nice to have another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer. PS: What deep thinkers we men are> 

55drum

55drum

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.

 

The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.

 

"I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath."

 

The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"

 

She replied, "No just up to my chin."

Danielson

An old man and old woman were sitting in the nursing home, the old man asked the woman "guess how old I am?", the old woman reached over, undid the old man's pajamas, reached in and fondled him for a few minutes, pulled her hand out and said "you're 85 years old!". The old man was shocked and said "you're right, how did you know that", the old woman said "you told me yesterday!"

Botch

Hydrophobic paint - 1
Public Urinators - 0 
 
HA!

Botch

 

tamu2009

Griffin said:

My joke for today. An Aggie decides to move from Texas to Oklahoma. The IQs of both states went up.

That's rude. I take offense to that.

Not really. 

DoubleEgger

Botch

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "Naw... too expensive."

Little Steven

So my buddy, let's call him Keith, goes out one morning to play 18 holes. He's a little peckish before he goes out and decides to go to the bar for some breakfast and a beer. He's sitting enjoying his food when a gorgeous blond lady sits down next to him and they start chatting. He buys her a drink and one thing leads to another and they end up at her place just ravaging each other for many hours. He crawls his sorry butt home hoping his wife, let's call her Sandra, is asleep. She's waiting in the kitchen and not one little bit happy. He decides the truth will set him free and details the whole day graphically for her. When he finishes telling her every sordid detail she says "you lying bastid you played 36!"

Botch

Bringing a marker to work tomorrow.    
 

Toxarch

When I was in college I started dating this girl. She reminded me so much of my mother. Same hair style, same choice of fashion, same demeanor, the way she talked and thought, they were so much alike. We dated for a few months and then I decided to take her home to meet my parents. My dad hates her.

Toxarch

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

GrillSgt

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?

He didn't believe in dog.

nolaegghead

Glad we are going to make America Great again by resurrecting 17th century steel and coal mining jobs while the Chinese are competing with the next gen supercomputers. 

The joke?   Populism. 

thetrim

What do you see when the Pillsbury doughboy bends over?

Doughnuts!

SmokeyPitt

I asked my wife if I should watch a cooking show or porn. 

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to cook.

fishlessman

the Chinese are competing with the next gen supercomputers. powered with coal

DMW

Lol:
http://babylonbee.com/news/trump-kim-jong-un-to-become-accountability-partners/

g8golfer

GrillSgt

Markarm4119

Did you hear about the whiney, butthurt liberal posting political stuff on the eggforum?
They think their the intellectual police !

Hungry Joe

Markarm4119 said:

Did you hear about the whiney, butthurt liberal posting political stuff on the eggforum?
They think their the intellectual police !

It's a joke thread, don't be so butt hurt.

GrillSgt

Markarm4119 said:

Did you hear about the whiney, butthurt liberal posting political stuff on the eggforum?
They think their the intellectual police !

Don’t be so snowflaky. 

DMW

GrillSgt said:

Markarm4119 said:

Did you hear about the whiney, butthurt liberal posting political stuff on the eggforum?
They think their the intellectual police !

Don’t be so snowflaky. 

Bless his heart, he can't even spell they're...

nolaegghead

Markarm4119 said:

Did you hear about the whiney, butthurt liberal posting political stuff on the eggforum?
They think their the intellectual police !

Hahahahahaha

GrillSgt

DMW said:

GrillSgt said:

Markarm4119 said:

Did you hear about the whiney, butthurt liberal posting political stuff on the eggforum?
They think their the intellectual police !

Don’t be so snowflaky. 

Bless his heart, he can't even spell they're...

Snowflaiky?