God and Obama. OT OT

travisstrick

Just kidding. Happy Monday.

michigan_jason

Phew! I was scared for a minute.


#:-S

JRWhitee

)

Fred19Flintstone

I'm disappointed. I thought "This should be funny!"

RAC

I was scared to open this one!

Acn

It is probably for the best, the forum seems to be a bit touchy this morning; this thread would probably make it crash and burn!

Griffin

Was hoping for a good joke to brighten up my morning...

henapple

We'll damn... That was worse than a lap dance.

Acn

Griffin said:

Was hoping for a good joke to brighten up my morning...

Best I've got:

So there is a fly that is enjoying a beautiful summer day, flying above a river.

But what the fly doesn't know is that in the river, there is  fish that is looking up and saying to itself "If that fly drops a few inches lower, I can jump out of the river, catch the fly and have myself a nice little snack."

But what the fish doesn't know is that on one side of the river there is a bear watching this scene and saying to itself "If that fly drops a few inches lower, the fish will jump out of the river to catch the fly and I can jump out, catch the fish, and have myself a nice little snack."

But what the bear doesn't know is that on the other side of the river there is a hunter watching this scene and saying to himself "If that fly drops a few inches lower, the fish will jump out of the river to catch the fish, the bear will jump out to catch the fish, I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice bearskin."

But what the hunter doesn't know is that there is a mouse in a bush watching this scene and saying to itself "If that fly drops a few inches lower, the fish will jump out of the river to catch the fish, the bear will jump out to catch the fish, the hunter will stand up to shoot the bear, I can run out to steal his sandwich and have myself a nice little snack."

But what the mouse doesn't know is that there is a cat in a tree watching this scene and saying to itself "If that fly drops a few inches lower, the fish will jump out of the river to catch the fish, the bear will jump out to catch the fish, the hunter will stand up to shoot the bear, the mouse will run out to grab the sandwich, I can jump on the mouse and have myself a nice little snack."

Just a few moments later the fly flies lower, and as expected the fish jumps out and catches the fly; the bear jumps out and catches the fish; the hunter stands up and shoots the bear; the mouse runs out to steal the sandwich; and the cat jumps to catch the mouse, but misses and lands in the river.

The moral of the story - it takes a hell of a lot to get a **** wet.

Griffin

)

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?". 

jaydub58

An ex-lawyer, an illegal alien, a pathological liar, a Muslim, and a communist walk into a bar.

The bartender asks,

"What'll it be, Mister President"?

 

six_egg

All I can say is Wow you got me.

Fred19Flintstone

henapple

Skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says I can't serve you... You can't hold your liquor.

GQuiz

What do you see?

Doc_Eggerton

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office naked except for being wrapped in Saran-wrap.  the Doctor looks up and says " I can clearly see you're nuts."

Doc_Eggerton

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office.  The Doctor asks what the problem is. 

The man says "Sometimes I think I'm a teepee, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam."

The Doctor says "I can see your problem; you're two tents."

henapple

Man walks into a bar... Bartender throws a ribeyes up and sticks to the ceiling. Tells the patron if you can hit it with a dart, you can have it. If you miss you have to leave. Guy says, I can't... The stakes are too high.

Chubbs

Guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "watcha havin". Patron says "PBR" and the bartender points to a sign that reads-- "we dont sell ****".... BOOM

boatbum

Where was the dog in the picture?

Chubbs

boatbum said:

Where was the dog in the picture?

I didn't see one either... hahaha.

henapple

@Chubbs... That was a gay bar... You there often?

CowboyEngineer

Forget the dog, where was the car?

CowboyEngineer

90 year old Mr. Johnson is at the doctor's office getting a physical. Doctor hand's him a jar and tells him he needs a sperm sample. Mr. Johnson says he can't right at the moment and the doctor tells him to go home and bring the sample by in the morning. Next day Mr. Johnson comes back with an empty jar and the Doc asks what happened. Mr. Johnson says he tried but couldn't do anything. His wife tried to help but it didn't work either. Frustrated they went and got the 20 year old college girl that lived next door. She tried and tried, Mr Johnson said. First with her left hand then with her right. She even tried putting it in her mouth. The doctor was amazed and asked, you got her to put it in her mouth? Yep, Mr. Johnson replied. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn't get the lid off either.

Skiddymarker

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. 'Let's have a BBQ party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.' 

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.'" 

henapple

Three legged dog walks into a bar and says.... I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

Tjcoley

Farmer Smith got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Bill, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" "Well Joe,, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!" "And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!" "So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Bill? "No, Joe, He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life." "And that was when he hurt his leg?" "Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too." "OK, Bill, So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?" "Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

erniemcclain

What's the difference between a catfish and an attorney?  One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

 

Que_n_Brew

A guy goes over to his girlfriends place and joins her on the couch to watch the tube. Dr. Phil is coming on so he grabs the remote while mummbling "This is garbage". She says no way, this is what we are going to watch or you can go back to your place. So the show starts and Dr. Phil comes outs and says "today we will be taking about how humans have the ability to feel two different emotions at the same time". The boyfriend says "see! This is stupid! There is nothing you can say to me that would make me happy and sad at the same time". His girlfriend looks at him and say...."out of all of your friends, you have the biggest penis".

KennyLee

A grasshopper walks into a bar and hops up on a stool.  Bartender says, "hey, we got a drink named after you."  Grasshopper says, "you got a drink named Murray?"

On a side note, aren't God and Obama the same guy? 

>:)

dweebs0r

What do you call a fish that is missing an eye?

(a fsh -- get it, missing an i).

Ok, same one-eyed fish is swimming around and runs into a concrete barrier.  What does he say?

(dam -- get it, a dam??)

Ok, if I have to explain them they probably aint funny...