Placeholder for internet things that are funny or cool

nolaegghead

Dates can suck.  Especially when you are looking at data from different sources.

If all the data is in Oracle but in different time zones, easy unless they are datestamps in local time.

lousubcap

A column in today's USA Today the State of the Union speech Joe biden should give:Entertaining!

"Biden and America are both far from perfect, but the president has ample accomplishments to crow about: The unemployment rate fell to 3.4% in January, the lowest it has been since 1969; inflation, while still high, has been easing; and his party performed historically well in the midterm elections.

‘Land of You-Will-Believe, Because We’ll Say It Over and Over and Over Again’

But in the right-wing media “Land of You-Will-Believe, Because We’ll Say It Over and Over and Over Again,” Biden is, in no particular order: an illegitimate president; the most radical president America has ever had; dementia-addled and incapable of completing a sentence; a criminal mastermind who has duped the American people and every level of U.S. law enforcement; effectively dead but controlled, “Weekend at Bernie’s”style, by Vice President Kamala Harris; weak; tyrannical; inept; and devious.

He could stand before Congress and announce a plan to cut corporate taxes, mandate prayer in schools and name every airport in America after Ronald Reagan and it would do nothing to shake conservatives’ conspiratorial construct that every move he makes is a demonic blend of evil and nefariousness.

So my question is: Why bother? Why not just trot up to the podium – or better yet, have someone push him up there in a wheelchair – for the big speech and give the Fox News/ Newsmax/OANN/PatriotBlatherBlog (I might’ve made that last one up) people what they want?

It would make their lives easier, and the rest of us would probably enjoy it more than the usual State of the Union Pablum.

Here’s a draft speech I worked up, free of charge: A State of the Union address to the Fox News crowd

Mister Speaker, Madam Vice President, and our first lady and second gentleman, members of Congress and the Cabinet, justices of the Supreme Court, ghosts of Karl Marx and Vladimir Lenin and members of the cannibalistic global cabal that I lead: Good evening. You all look delicious.

On this night, I’ve come to report to you that the State of the Union is … WOKE AS (EXPLETIVE)!

That’s right, in the past year, we have made great progress on our mission to transform America into a genderless, vegan nation grounded in socialism and a firm belief that there is no god.

In just the past six months, for example, our elite social justice warriors have surreptitiously inserted critical race theory into more than 95% of the nation’s Bibles while also transmitting subliminal lessons on gender identity to the iPads and iPhones used by 67% of U.S. children under the age of 10.

At the direction of my supervisors, Barack Obama and George Soros, my administration has taken steps to mandate that every sporting event halftime show feature drag queens – sorry about the Super Bowl gig, Rihanna – and meat will be outlawed by no later than March, along with gas stoves and guns.

As you can see, I’m reading tonight’s speech from a laptop computer. This one belongs to my son, Hunter Biden, and it does, in fact, contain a large file labeled “Biden Crime Family Dirty Dealings.” I’m sure you’d love to get your hands on it, but you can’t, because it’s where I keep my plan to ban Christmas and make religion illegal.

(Pause for a full two minutes, staring blankly into space.)

Where am I? Are my pancakes here yet?

Whoops. Sorry, sometimes I go a little blank for a spell. It’s just the ol’ dementia acting up. Nothing the blood of a few young conservatives who were victims of “cancel culture” can’t fix.

(Take sip from glass of red liquid.) Anyhoo, next month I’ll be dissolving the military because I hate America. Oh, and that Chinese spy balloon that was floating across the country over the weekend? That actually belonged to Bill Gates. He was using it to activate the chips he implanted in everyone via the COVID-19 vaccine.

Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing as you’re being enslaved and forced to work the soy fields.

Hail Satan! BIDEN OUT! Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook"

dmchicago

Botch

 
Subtle, but delicious!    

fishlessman

for those that like to live under a rock

fishlessman

https://www.npr.org/2023/02/08/1155458695/woodpeckers-700-pounds-acorns-in-wall-home

dmchicago

Yeah, I’m good with that. 🤷‍♂️

dmchicago

Cumtown is trending on twitter.

Foghorn

I'm afraid to ask or google that.

dmchicago

David Shuster

@DavidShuster

·

5m

The US military shot down a UFO over Cumtown, Alaska. Now a lot of people are nervous in Climax, NY, Bumpass, VA, and Spread Eagle, WI. Although residents are calling it all a tease in Blue Ball, Ohio. #UFOshotdown #cumtown

dmchicago

I want to move there and run for office just so I can introduce myself as the Mayor of Cumtown!

JohnInCarolina

dmchicago said:

I want to move there and run for office just so I can introduce myself as the Mayor of Cumtown!

Man if it was Bumtown instead of Cumtown I'd say you're a lock!  

Botch

An interesting look at the massive video systems required to pull off a Superbowl, and why most sports broadcasting is not in 4K.  
 
https://youtu.be/UX75uEq9IdU

Botch

dmchicago said:

David Shuster

@DavidShuster

·

5m

The US military shot down a UFO over Cumtown, Alaska. Now a lot of people are nervous in Climax, NY, Bumpass, VA, and Spread Eagle, WI. Although residents are calling it all a tease in Blue Ball, Ohio. #UFOshotdown #cumtown

They have no need to fear; these guys have it all under control:
 

 

dmchicago

JohnInCarolina said:

dmchicago said:

I want to move there and run for office just so I can introduce myself as the Mayor of Cumtown!

Man if it was Bumtown instead of Cumtown I'd say you're a lock!  

I can’t tell if this is a bidet joke or not. 

JohnInCarolina

dmchicago said:

JohnInCarolina said:

dmchicago said:

I want to move there and run for office just so I can introduce myself as the Mayor of Cumtown!

Man if it was Bumtown instead of Cumtown I'd say you're a lock!  

I can’t tell if this is a bidet joke or not. 

Those are my very best jokes.

dmchicago

JohnInCarolina said:

dmchicago said:

JohnInCarolina said:

dmchicago said:

I want to move there and run for office just so I can introduce myself as the Mayor of Cumtown!

Man if it was Bumtown instead of Cumtown I'd say you're a lock!  

I can’t tell if this is a bidet joke or not. 

Those are my very best jokes.

So the no laughing ones?  

HeavyG

Oh snap!!

JohnInCarolina

dmchicago said:

JohnInCarolina said:

dmchicago said:

JohnInCarolina said:

dmchicago said:

I want to move there and run for office just so I can introduce myself as the Mayor of Cumtown!

Man if it was Bumtown instead of Cumtown I'd say you're a lock!  

I can’t tell if this is a bidet joke or not. 

Those are my very best jokes.

So the no laughing ones?  

Hey now, we’re all friends here!

HeavyG

https://twitter.com/athenaforall/status/1624845118980096007

lousubcap

lousubcap

A senior citizen   said to his eighty-year old buddy:  
'So I hear you're getting married?'  
'Yep!'  
'Do I know her?'  
'Nope!'  
'This woman, is she good looking?'  
'Not really.'  
'Is she a good cook?'  
'Nah, she can't cook too well.'  
'Does she have lots of money?'  
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'  
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'  
'I don't know.'

’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

'Because she can still drive!'

Edit-since I'm here, one more:

An elderly couple    had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, '   Last night   we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

lousubcap

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.  
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'  
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Dobie

lousubcap

This is worth a look- (Edit to get the link to work...)

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/benjaminpineros/the-worlds-biggest-****-pic?utm_source=nextdraft&utm_medium=email

 

Never mind 42nd Street, NYC!

lousubcap

Botch

 

lousubcap

Actually port is port and starboard is starboard regardless of direction of travel...so in simple perspective north or south direction does not matter.

For further info:

"Since port and starboard never change, they are unambiguous references that are independent of a mariner’s orientation, and, thus, mariners use these nautical terms instead of left and right to avoid confusion. When looking forward, toward the bow of a ship, port and starboard refer to the left and right sides, respectively.

In the early days of boating, before ships had rudders on their centerlines, boats were controlled using a steering oar. Most sailors were right handed, so the steering oar was placed over or through the right side of the stern. Sailors began calling the right side the steering side, which soon became "starboard" by combining two Old English words: stéor (meaning "steer") and bord (meaning "the side of a boat").

As the size of boats grew, so did the steering oar, making it much easier to tie a boat up to a dock on the side opposite the oar. This side became known as larboard, or "the loading side." Over time, larboard—too easily confused with starboard—was replaced with port. After all, this was the side that faced the port, allowing supplies to be ported aboard by porters."

And there you have it on Saturday PM.

Botch

All I could add is a mnemonic I've carried since gradeschool: the starboard light on an aircraft (you'll have to educate me Cap'n, if this is true on ships too) is green, and the port light is red, because port wine is red.    

dbCooper

A sailor named Red Left Port.

Edit to add for navigational aids: Red, Right, Return.