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Describe your worst cook

GrateEggspectationsGrateEggspectations Posts: 5,115
edited January 24 in EggHead Forum
Mine: When I was in my early 20s, my wife and I had both our immediate families (about 20 people) over for pork ribs in celebration of my birthday. I had never made ribs before and followed a recipe that referenced time, and not temperature as the barometer for doneness. Served ‘em up according to recipe specs. Seeing the bones and half eaten ribs on people’s plates as I was clearing dishes, it was painfully obvious that some ribs were quite severely underdone - still pink in some sections and featuring flesh that stuck firmly on the bone. I still shudder when I think about that gathering. I hope that I have come a long way. 
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Comments

  • paqmanpaqman Posts: 3,507
    That steak:



    ____________________
    Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage. •Niccolo Machiavelli
  • Somebody else would have to describe it because I don't remember any of it!
  • JohnInCarolinaJohnInCarolina Posts: 19,366
    I tried to cook a pizza in the BGE at 900 degrees F, using a dough that had sugar in it.

    The bottom of the crust was blacker than Mickey’s wings.
    "A generation of the unteachable is hanging upon us like a necklace of corpses." - George Orwell 

    "I've made a note never to piss you two off." - Stike

    The other ahole

    Living large in the 919
  • sumoconnellsumoconnell Posts: 1,791
    I won a small bet amongst some friends, bought a bunch of prime steaks and threw a dinner party. I just got the egg, so we’re all excited and I’ve got the miraculous cooker.  I even had a (single) ribeye on it earlier in the week and told everyone, it’s good stuff. Got it fired up to about 450, threw them all on at once and they just barely fit on the grate, nicely packed tight. 

    Why is the temp dropping?!?  Ouch.  I didn’t figure it out during the cook, we ate grey steaks that tasted like gasoline. Plenty of leftovers. Dogs were happy for days. 
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Austin, Texas.  I'm the guy holding a beer.
  • SaltySamSaltySam Posts: 837
    Seventh grade Home Economics, we made apple cinnamon muffins.  The recipe called for something like 1.5 cups of sugar and a tsp of salt.  Somehow I swapped those.  I knew it immediately but kept going anyway.  Mrs Extrum visibly gagged when she sampled my finished product. 



    LBGE since June 2012

    Omaha, NE

  • AcnAcn Posts: 3,515
    Temp got away from me on an overnight brisket.  Woke up to it cruising away at 475, couldn’t even salvage anything the dog would eat.

    Only upside was it left plenty of time to get something else out of the freezer to cook for dinner.

    LBGE

    Pikesville, MD

  • SciAggieSciAggie Posts: 6,316
    @jdMyers I can see that in my mind. Great story. 
    Coleman, Texas
    Large BGE & Mini Max for the wok. A few old camp Dutch ovens and a wood fired oven. LSG 24” cabinet offset smoker. There are a few paella pans and a Patagonia cross in the barn. A curing chamber for bacterial transformation of meats...
    "Bourbon slushies. Sure you can cook on the BGE without them, but why would you?"
                                                                                                                          YukonRon
  • GulfcoastguyGulfcoastguy Posts: 4,020
    You can’t prove it! (83 pound Boxers are good at getting rid of evidence)
  • 1voyager1voyager Posts: 1,007
    edited January 24
    @jdMyers - I tried roasting a whole duck. Same result as you had: horrible. There was a lot of stinky smoke. I was surprised that the smoke alarms didn't go off. The odor was worse when I used the self-cleaning option to get the slimy grease out of the oven!
    Large Egg, PGS A40 gasser and way too much Griswold cast iron cookware.

    Somewhere in Colorado.
  • JohnInCarolinaJohnInCarolina Posts: 19,366
    Some of these are really painful, in no small part because I can completely imagine doing them myself.  
    "A generation of the unteachable is hanging upon us like a necklace of corpses." - George Orwell 

    "I've made a note never to piss you two off." - Stike

    The other ahole

    Living large in the 919
  • onpoint456onpoint456 Posts: 161
    Wasn't my cook but I was partially culpable.

    When I was a kid, my dad decided to cook a suckling pig on his relatively new offset smoker for Christmas dinner. The smoker was a cheap one you get from the big box stores, it didn't seal very well and we didn't have any of the necessary tools (pit/meat probe, hear deflector, etc).

    We had no idea on how long it would take, and after struggling with temp control for hours and growing hungry family/guests we decided to start throwing firewood in the box.

    Thick white smoke billowed from the smoker for an hour, we pulled the pig (it didn't look half bad) and served. Needless to say, it smelled and tasted like a fireplace. Plenty of leftovers.
  • BattlebornBattleborn Posts: 2,031
    Much like onpoint’s story. The day after our wedding, my in-laws invited my family over for a BBQ. It was monsoon season in Houston and that morning my FIL advised me that I was going to be doing the cooking. He said I had to know how to feed his daughter edible BBQ of our marriage was going to last. It certainly wasn’t the fact that it was dropping inches of rain every few hours. 

    He too had a cheap side box smoker from Walmart. Ribs, chicken and sausage was on the menu. Needless to say, the food wasn’t great and I was wet. But that is still one of my favorite memories from my FIL. 
    Las Vegas, NV
    LG BGE, off-set smoker & various Weber's 
  • LegumeLegume Posts: 11,373
    Much like onpoint’s story. The day after our wedding, my in-laws invited my family over for a BBQ. It was monsoon season in Houston and that morning my FIL advised me that I was going to be doing the cooking. He said I had to know how to feed his daughter edible BBQ of our marriage was going to last. It certainly wasn’t the fact that it was dropping inches of rain every few hours. 

    He too had a cheap side box smoker from Walmart. Ribs, chicken and sausage was on the menu. Needless to say, the food wasn’t great and I was wet. But that is still one of my favorite memories from my FIL. 
    That’s a true FIL pro-move.  They have a way of doing that.
  • JohnInCarolinaJohnInCarolina Posts: 19,366
    Legume said:
    Much like onpoint’s story. The day after our wedding, my in-laws invited my family over for a BBQ. It was monsoon season in Houston and that morning my FIL advised me that I was going to be doing the cooking. He said I had to know how to feed his daughter edible BBQ of our marriage was going to last. It certainly wasn’t the fact that it was dropping inches of rain every few hours. 

    He too had a cheap side box smoker from Walmart. Ribs, chicken and sausage was on the menu. Needless to say, the food wasn’t great and I was wet. But that is still one of my favorite memories from my FIL. 
    That’s a true FIL pro-move.  They have a way of doing that.
    Yeah I was thinking I might have to steal this for when my daughters get married, lol.  
    "A generation of the unteachable is hanging upon us like a necklace of corpses." - George Orwell 

    "I've made a note never to piss you two off." - Stike

    The other ahole

    Living large in the 919
  • BattlebornBattleborn Posts: 2,031
    Legume said:
    Much like onpoint’s story. The day after our wedding, my in-laws invited my family over for a BBQ. It was monsoon season in Houston and that morning my FIL advised me that I was going to be doing the cooking. He said I had to know how to feed his daughter edible BBQ of our marriage was going to last. It certainly wasn’t the fact that it was dropping inches of rain every few hours. 

    He too had a cheap side box smoker from Walmart. Ribs, chicken and sausage was on the menu. Needless to say, the food wasn’t great and I was wet. But that is still one of my favorite memories from my FIL. 
    That’s a true FIL pro-move.  They have a way of doing that.
    Keep in mind, I was born and raised in Idaho, so my idea of BBQ was burgers and dogs on a propane grill. A 22 year old Navy bachelor, I could cook packaged ramen and Hot Pockets. 

    It certainly was an experience. It built character, I suppose. 
    Las Vegas, NV
    LG BGE, off-set smoker & various Weber's 
  • lkapigianlkapigian Posts: 7,564
    To many to mention, if you're not making mistakes , you're not cooking enough....

    I have done @Mickey wings 5o a brisket and steak.....forgot to account for salt in several items added in a chili cook off and many many more 
    Visalia, Ca

    LGBE- Pit's by Klose Trailer -Stumps XL Stretch - Custom Santa Maria-Modified HD Offset Smoker Reverse Flow- FatStack Smoker coming soon- Blackstone 36 - Custom Cold Smoke House and a lonely Brinkman Vertical Smoker
  • jdsmithiijdsmithii Posts: 48
    About ten years ago, in my pre-BGE days, I had finished smoking a full rack of spares on my cheap old offset. I was bringing them upstairs to eat when I tripped and dropped them in the driveway. We brought them upstairs, cleaned them as best we could, and still ate them. The were a bit...gritty.

    Around the same time, the wife, who does not like to cook, decided she wanted to make authentic tiramisu. Unfortunately, she misread the recipe, switching the amounts of the brandy and the coffee. We ended up with a tiramisu that, one slice, would get you a DWI.
  • CanuggheadCanugghead Posts: 7,982
    SaltySam said:
    Seventh grade Home Economics, we made apple cinnamon muffins.  The recipe called for something like 1.5 cups of sugar and a tsp of salt.  Somehow I swapped those.  I knew it immediately but kept going anyway.  Mrs Extrum visibly gagged when she sampled my finished product. 



    Haha I can totally relate to that.

    Eons ago I was a foreign student across the big pond, moonlighting at a restaurant and a bakery. First week on the job at the restaurant I was asked to refill all the sugar jars, guess what went in?  :) 
    canuckland
  • CanuggheadCanugghead Posts: 7,982
    Great thread.
    Way back when even before my George Foreman grill days IIRC, I bought this latest/greatest multi-program Panasonic combination microwave. Decided to cook a whole turkey unattended on timer and left home for apple picking. Came back hours later and the gobbler was just starting to char and smoke.  Actually it was edible after removing the skin, but oh boy I could have burned down the house  :)
    canuckland
  • loco_engrloco_engr Posts: 4,505

    aka marysvilleksegghead
    Lrg 2008
    mini 2009

    Henny Youngman:
    I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

    Bob Hope:

    When I wake up in the morning, I don’t feel anything until noon, and then it’s time for my nap

  • BotchBotch Posts: 10,972
    First semester out of the college dorms, I "winged" a recipe as my roommate had a late afternoon class (he usually cooked).  A pan of fish sticks, I added a tablespoon of white wine to each 'stick.  Then thin slices of cheese (Velveeta), and I drained a small can of sliced mushrooms over the top.  It smelled okay when I took it out of the oven.
    Roommate took a couple of bites, looked at me, and said "Don't you EVER make this again!"  :blush:  
     
    I got better. [/Monty Python]  
    ____________________________________________
    Introvert Engineers - Social Distancing before it was cool.  
    Ogden, Utard.  
  • CorvCorv Posts: 74
    Used the medium Egg to grill ten pounds of Hatch chiles. Took 'em inside to cut open and remove the stems and seeds. I used the faucet to wash the seeds off. Took like partway to forever to do that for some reason. Found out that I'd done a decent job of washing the smoke flavor off the chiles. Most of these went into the trash.
    Somewhere on the Colorado Front Range
  • SaltySamSaltySam Posts: 837
    SaltySam said:
    Seventh grade Home Economics, we made apple cinnamon muffins.  The recipe called for something like 1.5 cups of sugar and a tsp of salt.  Somehow I swapped those.  I knew it immediately but kept going anyway.  Mrs Extrum visibly gagged when she sampled my finished product. 



    I like how this story explains your forum handle. 
    Oh man, the real story is way more embarrassing!  

    LBGE since June 2012

    Omaha, NE

  • CanuggheadCanugghead Posts: 7,982
    edited January 25
    SaltySam said:
    SaltySam said:
    Seventh grade Home Economics, we made apple cinnamon muffins.  The recipe called for something like 1.5 cups of sugar and a tsp of salt.  Somehow I swapped those.  I knew it immediately but kept going anyway.  Mrs Extrum visibly gagged when she sampled my finished product. 



    I like how this story explains your forum handle. 
    Oh man, the real story is way more embarrassing!  
    I just bumped this thread, help yourself  =)
    https://eggheadforum.com/discussion/778040/handle-names/p1
    canuckland
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