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OT - Tell Us A Joke

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.  He decides to test it at dinner one night.  He asks his son what he did that afternoon.

"I did my homework."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK, I was at Billy's house watching movies."

The father asked, "What did you watch?"

The son replied "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"Ok!  We were watching p0rn."

The father says, "What??  At your age, I didn't even know what p0rn was!"

The robot slaps the father.  

The mother laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

Craigslist:  Robot for sale.

Flint, Michigan
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Comments

  • Chubbs
    Chubbs Posts: 6,929
    A boy says to his girlfriend, "sex at my house tonight?" Girl says, "Yeah!"

    Boyfriend says "okay, only problem is I share a room with my little brother and he is on the top bunk. He thinks we we will be making sandwiches so we need code words. " 

    Girlfriend says, "okay, like what?"

    Boyfriend says, " hmmm. How about 'cheese' for harder and 'tomato' for faster?"

    Later that night the girlfriend starts saying "Cheese, cheese, tomato, tomato". 

    Little Brother says "stop making sandwiches, you are getting mayo on my bed"
    Columbia, SC --- LBGE 2011 -- MINI BGE 2013
  • Legume
    Legume Posts: 14,602
    I´m at the ATM when a robber walks up behind me and puts his gun in my back. 

    He asks: Do you want to see your family again? 

    I said "no". 

    We both had a good laugh.
  • johnnyp
    johnnyp Posts: 3,932
    What ever happened to the constipated mathematician?

    he worked it out with a pencil
    XL & MM BGE, 36" Blackstone - Newport News, VA
  • henapple
    henapple Posts: 16,025
    Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile. ...he said "that's a big word for a 9 year old".
    Green egg, dead animal and alcohol. The "Boro".. TN 
  • Did you hear about the corduroy pillows???

    They are making headlines everywhere!
    Frederick, MD - LBGE and some accessories
  • mick7607
    mick7607 Posts: 85
    A rabbi and a priest are, by chance, seated next to one another on a plane.
    Wanting to be cordial, the priest tries to strike up a conversation. "You guys don't eat pork do you? Ever smell bacon cooking and wish you could have some? " Well, sir, the rabbi replied, I did slip once when I smelled that wonderful smell of bacon frying. What about you? Don't you guys practice celibacy?
    The priest blushed and sheepishly said " I must admit that I surrendered to sins of the flesh once."
    The rabbi says" Beat the $hit out of a bacon sandwich, didn't it?"

    Laurens,SC
  • JRWhitee
    JRWhitee Posts: 5,678

    A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London.

    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

    The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


    The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

    He said in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

    The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said,  "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice".

     

                                                                
    _________________________________________________
    Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story!
    Large BGE 2006, Mini Max 2014, 36" Blackstone, Anova Sous Vide
    Green Man Group 
    Johns Creek, Georgia
  • YEMTrey
    YEMTrey Posts: 6,829
    How do you know your GF is getting fat?











    When she starts fitting into your wife's clothes. 
    Steve 
    XL, Mini Max, and a 22" Blackstone in Cincinnati, Ohio

  • Hi54putty
    Hi54putty Posts: 1,873
    @yemtrey this one is fantastic, good work:

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
     
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
     "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
     to pay me a compliment.'
     
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
     
    And then the fight started........
    XL,L,S 
    Winston-Salem, NC 
  • @YEMTrey - I wish I could hit "Like" 10 more times!  Thanks for the laughs!  I hope I never get lost!
    Flint, Michigan
  • nolaegghead
    nolaegghead Posts: 42,102

    To do is to be. - Descartes

    To be is to do. - Voltaire

    Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra

    Yabba Dabba Do. - Fred Flintstone


    ______________________________________________
    I love lamp..
  • nolaegghead
    nolaegghead Posts: 42,102
    What do Iraqis and Fred Flintstone have in common?

    They both wake up in the morning and say hi to rubble!

    (I just googled, no offense please!)
    ______________________________________________
    I love lamp..
  • NervousDad
    NervousDad Posts: 307
    What does a vegan zombie eat.... graaaains    sorry just saw this on another site :)
    Aurora,OH
  • Miked125
    Miked125 Posts: 481
    I traded in the egg for a gasser. 
  • tkleager
    tkleager Posts: 539
    Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors?

    If it had four it would be a chicken sedan instead of a coupe!
    No Name City, just between Scottsbluff and Mitchell, NE   Crown!  More Crown!
    Egg: 1 Large with 18" BGE CI Grid, Plate Setter, Lg V-Rack
    Maverick ET-73 and Bear Paws
    Eggheads Everywhere Map
    Eggheads Everywhere Stat Sheet
    Barbecue is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen
  • YEMTrey
    YEMTrey Posts: 6,829
    There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf .

    One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, "what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

    He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

    He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.
    Steve 
    XL, Mini Max, and a 22" Blackstone in Cincinnati, Ohio

  • YEMTrey
    YEMTrey Posts: 6,829
    A man escapes  from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

    His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'
    Steve 
    XL, Mini Max, and a 22" Blackstone in Cincinnati, Ohio

  • lousubcap
    lousubcap Posts: 32,167
    @YEMTrey- A most excellent collection of jokes.  Haven't laughed this much in  a long time.  You have got quite a source, keep 'em coming. 
    Louisville; Rolling smoke in the neighbourhood. # 38 for the win.  Life is too short for light/lite beer!  Seems I'm livin in a transitional period.
  • veewt
    veewt Posts: 50
    I asked VI how many sexual partners he had had in his life.

    He thought about it for a minute and fell asleep.
  • nolaegghead
    nolaegghead Posts: 42,102
    Hey @veewt  - Congratulations on the PhD!!!!
    ______________________________________________
    I love lamp..
  • YEMTrey
    YEMTrey Posts: 6,829
    An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

    He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

    The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

    'Three knots?   He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

    She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.
    Steve 
    XL, Mini Max, and a 22" Blackstone in Cincinnati, Ohio

  • A group of Texans were in a bar when an Ivy League type guy walks in.  One of the Texans says, "Howdy Stranger!  Where are you from?"

    The Ivy Leaguer answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

    "Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan.  "Where are you from, jackass?"
    Flint, Michigan
  • saluki2007
    saluki2007 Posts: 6,354
    My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she's overreacting.
    She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said, "It didn't work out."
    She told me to be more specific.
    I said,"I just told you she didn't exercise."
    Large and Small BGE
    Central, IL

  • saluki2007
    saluki2007 Posts: 6,354
    I love the expression "A number of..." because it doesn't mean anything.
    A number of Victoria's Secret models have expressed interest in sleeping with me.
    That number is zero.
    Large and Small BGE
    Central, IL