OT - Tell Us A Joke

Fred19Flintstone

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.  He decides to test it at dinner one night.  He asks his son what he did that afternoon.

"I did my homework."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK, I was at Billy's house watching movies."

The father asked, "What did you watch?"

The son replied "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"Ok!  We were watching p0rn."

The father says, "What??  At your age, I didn't even know what p0rn was!"

The robot slaps the father.  

The mother laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

Craigslist:  Robot for sale.

theyolksonyou

An old man was talking to his new girlfriend. He asks, "do you still like sex?"

she replies, "infrequently"

he says, "is that one word or two?"

Chubbs

A boy says to his girlfriend, "sex at my house tonight?" Girl says, "Yeah!"

Boyfriend says "okay, only problem is I share a room with my little brother and he is on the top bunk. He thinks we we will be making sandwiches so we need code words. " 

Girlfriend says, "okay, like what?"

Boyfriend says, " hmmm. How about 'cheese' for harder and 'tomato' for faster?"

Later that night the girlfriend starts saying "Cheese, cheese, tomato, tomato". 

Little Brother says "stop making sandwiches, you are getting mayo on my bed"

Legume

I´m at the ATM when a robber walks up behind me and puts his gun in my back. 

He asks: Do you want to see your family again? 

I said "no". 

We both had a good laugh.

johnnyp

What ever happened to the constipated mathematician?

he worked it out with a pencil

Acn

A son comes home from school and tells his dad, that as part of his homework he needs to be able to tell the difference between theory and reality. 

His dad says, "Sure I can help.  Go and ask your mom if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for $500,000."

The son goes to his mom and asks, and she answers with an enthusiastic "Yes!"

Then his dad says, "Go ask your sister is she'd sleep with Zak Efron for $500,000."

The son asks the question and his sister says, "OMG, of course!"

The son goes back to his dad and says, "Dad, both said yes, but I don't understand how this relates to theory and reality."

The dad replies, "Well, it's like this; In theory, we're sitting on a million dollars, in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

henapple

Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile. ...he said "that's a big word for a 9 year old".

oldgeezeystax

Did you hear about the corduroy pillows???

They are making headlines everywhere!

mick7607

A rabbi and a priest are, by chance, seated next to one another on a plane.
Wanting to be cordial, the priest tries to strike up a conversation. "You guys don't eat pork do you? Ever smell bacon cooking and wish you could have some? " Well, sir, the rabbi replied, I did slip once when I smelled that wonderful smell of bacon frying. What about you? Don't you guys practice celibacy?
The priest blushed and sheepishly said " I must admit that I surrendered to sins of the flesh once."
The rabbi says" Beat the $hit out of a bacon sandwich, didn't it?"

JRWhitee

A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He said in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said,  "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice".

 

YEMTrey

How do you know your GF is getting fat?











When she starts fitting into your wife's clothes. 

YEMTrey

A guy brings his best friend home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30,  after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to her tirade . . ,  "My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a **** mess, the dishes aren't done.  Can't you see I'm still in my **** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!  Why the **** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

YEMTrey

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with
a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the
newspaper who hired him was to  write a human interest
story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country
to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house
way back in  the hills, introduced himself to the farmer
and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The
young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around
here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One
time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed
a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it
back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can
you think of anything else that happened that made you
or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time
my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost.
We formed a big posse that time and found her. After
we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either.
Has anything ever happened around here that made you
sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed
and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young
man and said, "I got lost once."

YEMTrey

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
 I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
 'No,' she answered.
 I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
 
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
 So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 
And that's when the fight started...
 
________________________________
 
I took my wife to a restaurant.
 
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
 He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
 "Nah, she can order for herself."
 
And that's when the fight started.....
 
_____________________________
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
 reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
 drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
 
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
 "Yes", she sighed,
 "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
 right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
 hasn't been sober since."
 
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
 celebrating that long?"
 
And then the fight started...
 
________________________________
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
 But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
 making beer.. Always something more important to me.
 
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
 When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
 scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
 the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
 I handed her a toothbrush.
 
I said, "When you finish cutting the
 grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 
_____________________________
 
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
 She asked, "What's on TV?"
 I said, "Dust."
 
And then the fight started...
 
________________________________
 
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
 boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential 
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
 would be bad all day.
 
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
 now with a different anticipation,
 and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
 
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
 
And that's how the fight started...
 
_______________________________
 
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
 She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
 
I bought her a bathroom scale.
 
And then the fight started......
 
______________________________
 
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
 for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me 

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets 

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that 

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
 So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
 
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
 
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
 
She said, 'You should have dropped
 your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
 
And then the fight started...
 
________________________________
 
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
 
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
 "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
 to pay me a compliment.'
 
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 
And then the fight started........
 
________________________________
 
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
 
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
 He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
 So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
 
That's how the fight started.
 
________________________________
 
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
 as a Christmas gift...
 
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
 When she asked me why, I replied,
 "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
 
And that's how the fight started.....

Hi54putty

@yemtrey this one is fantastic, good work:

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
 
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
 "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
 to pay me a compliment.'
 
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 
And then the fight started........

Fred19Flintstone

@YEMTrey - I wish I could hit "Like" 10 more times!  Thanks for the laughs!  I hope I never get lost!

nolaegghead

To do is to be. - Descartes

To be is to do. - Voltaire

Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra

Yabba Dabba Do. - Fred Flintstone

nolaegghead

What do Iraqis and Fred Flintstone have in common?

They both wake up in the morning and say hi to rubble!

(I just googled, no offense please!)

NervousDad

What does a vegan zombie eat.... graaaains    sorry just saw this on another site

Hungry Joe

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."

 After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

 The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

 The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

 "Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

 After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

 "Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

 "No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

 "Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

 So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

 "Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

 "My lord, what language!" says the mother.

 "No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

 "Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

 While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

 "I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

 "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.

 "And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.

 The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right.".

Miked125

I traded in the egg for a gasser. 

tkleager

Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors?

If it had four it would be a chicken sedan instead of a coupe!

YEMTrey

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, "what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.

YEMTrey

A man escapes  from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

lousubcap

@YEMTrey- A most excellent collection of jokes.  Haven't laughed this much in  a long time.  You have got quite a source, keep 'em coming. 

veewt

I asked VI how many sexual partners he had had in his life.

He thought about it for a minute and fell asleep.

nolaegghead

Hey @veewt  - Congratulations on the PhD!!!!

YEMTrey

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?   He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

Fred19Flintstone

A group of Texans were in a bar when an Ivy League type guy walks in.  One of the Texans says, "Howdy Stranger!  Where are you from?"

The Ivy Leaguer answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

"Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan.  "Where are you from, jackass?"

saluki2007

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she's overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said, "It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific.
I said,"I just told you she didn't exercise."

saluki2007

I love the expression "A number of..." because it doesn't mean anything.
A number of Victoria's Secret models have expressed interest in sleeping with me.
That number is zero.