OT - jokes puzzles and random thoughts

gpsegg

 Braggart....got it as well. Enjoyed that!

Braggart

gpsegg said:

 Braggart....got it as well. Enjoyed that!

I know!   In today's day and age of apps, computers and google, it's strangely satisfying to sit down with pen and paper and wade through all the possibilities and permutations. 

I myself found it fun. 

Braggart

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor 
asks him how he's feeling. 

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt 
better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 
What do you think about that?" 

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. 

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and 
never misses a season. 

One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and 
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. 

When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the 
stream of water.

He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. 

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. 

What do you think of that?" 

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds 
into that beaver." 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Braggart

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. 

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. 

Naturally he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes it home. 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. 

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." 

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. 

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!" 

Funeral on Friday at Noon. Closed Coffin

Braggart

A man wakes up one morning just north of Grande Prairie to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers". 

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. 

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. 

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks. 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. 

When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will be so distracted by the excruciating pain that I'll be able to put him in the cage in the back of the van." 

"OK", asks the homeowner, 'What's the shotgun for?' 

"Oh, that's for you", says the bear remover as he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. 

"If things go wrong and the bear knocks me off the roof... shoot the dog."

Braggart

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?' 

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night! 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?' 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and once again he whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and also spends the night. 

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. He tells the Lone Ranger, 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. 'So what is your last request?'!

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone.' The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: 

'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE'.

Braggart

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" 

"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. 

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. 

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Braggart

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I'd have a girlfriend. 

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I 
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. 

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. 
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and 
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. 

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was 
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull 
that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. 

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with 
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did 
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great 
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a 
girl with some real ambition. 

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted 
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced 
me and took everything I owned. 

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big breasts.

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, 'Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. 

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. 

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem. 

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand.' 

'So,' says the second drunk, 'what's your point?' 

'Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get.'

Braggart

 Three ducks go into a bar...... 

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 

'Huey,' was the reply. 
'How's your day been, Huey?' 
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?' 

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked. 
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?' 

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, let me guess... you must be Louie?' 

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 
'I'm Puddles.'

Braggart

Joe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1. He gasps to the operator, "By tundering Jesus, I tink me pal Bud is dead! What should I do?" 

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." 

There was silence.... and then a gun shot was heard. 

Joe comes back on the line; "Okay, now what?"

Braggart

Revenue Canada/IRS - New Simplified Tax Form 

1.) How much money did you make? $______ 

2.) Send it to us.

Braggart

SHIPWRECKED: 

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. 
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. 
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a 
deserted island. 


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two 
animal companions 
to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. 


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus 
clouds, 
the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the 
lonely man. 
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. 


But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely 
until the man took his arm from around the sheep. 


After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets 
together, but there was no more cuddling. 


A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another 
shipwreck. 
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. 


That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It 
was another beautiful evening - red sky, 
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of 
romance. 
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.. 


He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and 
leaned over to Hillary and told her he 
hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if 
there was anything she could do for him. 

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Braggart

The Why's of Men 

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? 

(because they are plugged into a genius) 

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? 

(they don't have enough time) 

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? 

(they don't stop to ask directions) 

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? 
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they 
vapor lock) 

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? 
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? 

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? 

(don't know.....it never happened) 

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? 

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his 
Sweat-shirt.   Seconds after he stepped into the laundry 
room he.shouted to me....'What setting do I use on the washing 
machine?' 
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' 
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma'...

----------------------------------------------- 
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' 
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' 
----------------------------------------------------------- 

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he 
stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the 
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 
'Probably that I married you for your money,' 

Braggart

Here are some blonde jokes in retaliation....

------------------------------ 

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its 
superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to 
find her house ransacked and burglarized. 

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. 

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, 
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog 
on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a 
hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to 
find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, 
and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!" 

------------------------- 

What is the biggest problem for an blonde, female atheist? 

No one to talk to during orgasm. 

------------------------- 

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. 

Who has the biggest boobs? 

The blonde, because she's 18. 

---------------------------- 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 

"Are you sure it's mine?"

_________________

Braggart

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. 



A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. 

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this 
flagpole, 
but we don't have a ladder.' 

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few 

bolts and laid the flagpole down. 



She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and 

announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. 



Then, she walked off. 



Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height 
and she gives us the length.'

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart

Braggart