OT - jokes puzzles and random thoughts

Braggart · October 2015

Let's see if we can last the weekend...keep it clean and who knows...we may get into next week!

Satan's Visit:

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years"

Braggart · October 2015

Limiting out

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose

The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Braggart · October 2015

One of life's great truths

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a
loonie.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking,
shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back
to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "I work for the IRS"...

Braggart · October 2015

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a*s kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullsh*t and A*s kissing will put you over the top.

In case you were wondering...

Botch · October 2015

Braggart, you cracked the code. I'm gonna retire next week, and had never figured that out.

Braggart · October 2015

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.

All the Rednecks sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Braggart · October 2015

Good ole Alberta Boy!

A good ole’ boy from Alberta is drinking in a small town Washington bar when he gets a call on his cell phone…….

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Alberta baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Albertan just shrugs, “ That’s about average back home... like I said, my boy’s a typical Alberta baby boy.”

Congratulations showered him all around, and many exclamations of “WOW”! were heard.

One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Albertan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Alberta baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making bets about how he’d be in two weeks. We were gonna call you! ……… so how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned, “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.”

The father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,…….

“Had him circumcised.”

lousubcap · October 2015

Two young boys are at the medical center for the first procedures of the day. One boy asks the other "what are you here for?" To which the reply "I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm scared."
"Don't worry, I had that done last year, didn't feel a thing. And after it's over, they feed you ice cream and milk shakes."
"Thanks, so what are you here for?"
"I'm here to get circumcised."
"Whoa, good luck with that...had it done when I was born, couldn't walk for a year."

Danielson · October 2015

The Pope arrived early in New York City. Before his “Pope Mobile” was unloaded a stretch limo was brought in to show the Pope around NYC.

After a few hours, the chauffer asked the Pope “is there anything else you would to see or do while in NYC?”, the Pope responded “I think I would like to drive”.

The chauffer said “NYC has the worst traffic in the world, all the buses, taxis, one way streets, it just wouldn’t be safe”. The Pope repeated “ I think I would like to drive”, the chauffer thought “How do you say no to the Pope”, and slid over and let the Pope behind the wheel.

The Pope immediately floors the limo the wrong way down a one way street for a couple of blocks and passes a NYC Motorcycle Cop on the side of the street drinking a coffee and eating a donut. The cop quickly turns on his siren and lights to pull over the limo.

The cop walks up to the limo asks for license/registration and walks back to motorcycle to call his Sargent on the radio, “Sarge, I have a big one here”, the Sarge asks “Yeah, is he bigger than the Captain?”. The cop answers “Yeah, he’s bigger than the Captain”, the Sarge asks “Yeah, is he bigger than the Commissioner?”. The cop answers “Yeah, he’s bigger than the Commissioner”, the Sarge asks “Yeah, is he bigger than the Mayor?”. The Cop answers “Yeah, he’s bigger than the Mayor, I don’t know who this guy is, but he has the Pope for a Chauffer!”

Braggart · October 2015

Bob went to see his doctor with a delicate problem.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been
bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really
am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a
gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the
problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

Braggart · October 2015

While walking down the street one day, President Obama is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the President.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the President.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf, go for a quick massage, and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne before retiring for a night of dancing and reminiscing.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the President joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The President reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the President. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says...

"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

nolaegghead · October 2015

Boudreaux lived across the bayou from Clarence, who Boudreaux did not like.

There was no bridge or other easy way to cross the bayou so the two would argue by yelling across the bayou.

Boudreaux would often yell across the bayou to Clarence, "Clarence, if I had a way to cross dat bayou, I would come beat you up!".

The threats continued for many years.

One day the state built a bridge across the Bayou.

Soon after the bridge was built, Boudreaux's wife, Clotile, says "Boudreaux, you've been talking about going across dat bayou to beat up Clarence all dese years. Now that they have dat bridge, what are you waiting for?"

So Boudreaux decided it was time to go see Clarence, so he started walking down to the bridge.

Just as he was getting ready to cross the bridge, he looks up at the sign on the bridge, reads it, and goes back home.

When Boudreaux gets home, Clotile asks "Mais, Boudreaux, did you go beat up Clarence?"

Boudreaux said, "Mais no Clotile, dat sign on dat bridge says 'Clearance 13 feet 3 inches'. Mais, Clotile, Clarence don't look dat big from across de bayou!"

theyolksonyou · October 2015

A pirate walks into a bar with steering wheel stick to his crotch. The bartender says, "boy, that must really hurt!"

The pirate replies,"Aye, it's driving me nuts."

Braggart · October 2015

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too". When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed even more distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep and then I cried my eyes out for almost an hour. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is in ruins, a total disaster.

HIS DIARY

Tried and tried, couldn't get the hinge to line up on my XL green egg...but at least I got laid.

theyolksonyou · October 2015

Why did the cows keep returning to the marijuana field?

it was the pot calling the cattle back...

DMW · October 2015

Botch · October 2015

Image: https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12108058_10205032860004480_7773681091497995595_n.jpg?oh=ca10a51f92f88992f57f3e88aeb399d5&oe=56D05A26

jabam · October 2015

A blonde and a brunette were talking. The brunette complained, "every time my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have to spend the weekend with my legs in the air"
The blonde asks "dont you have a vase?"

Braggart · October 2015

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote outport. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"How's she cuttin' bye" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Lard tunderin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

Braggart · October 2015

Then there was the guy who was out logging with a crew. He hit a big knot in a branch, and the chainsaw flipped back, cutting off his right ear.

He ran around screaming "My ear! I've lost my ear!"

The rest of his crew shut down their chainsaws and scrambled around trying to find the severed ear.

One of them finally yells "found it!" and holds up a bedraggled-looking, bloody ear.

The fellow ran over, looked at it and said "No - that's not mine. Mine had a pencil behind it."

Botch · October 2015

Why does the "Jublia" toenail fungus commercial feature a foot that whups butt on an animated "Toenail Fungus" text graphic, yet the foot/hero also has toenail fungus? I don't understand this.

Braggart · October 2015

Had a small bonfire...

Braggart · October 2015

Braggart · October 2015

Braggart · October 2015

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my mothers!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........

What the hell is she talking about?!!

Braggart · October 2015

RESIST THE URGE TO USE GOOGLE OR THE INTERWEB TO SOLVE...

Einstein's Riddle - Who has the fish?

Einstein wrote this riddle last century and said that 98% of the world’s population would not be able to solve it.

I grabbed a pencil and paper and spent an hour challenging myself. Personally, I think Albert was being a bit dramatic, as it took me under 60 mins to solve...but it was fun doing so.

Give it a try! And resist the urge...

Ok...

• There are 5 houses that are each a different colour.
• There is a person of a different nationality in each house.
• The 5 owners drink a certain drink. They each smoke a certain brand of cigarettes and also have a certain pet. No owner has the same pet, smokes the same brand of cigarettes nor drinks the same drink.
• The question is. “Who has the fish?”

CLUES

1. The British man lives in the red house.
2. The Swedish man has a dog for a pet.
3. The Danish man drinks tea.
4. The green house is to the left of the white house.
5. The owner of the green house drinks coffee.
6. The person that smokes Pall Mall has a bird.
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The person that lives in the middle house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The person that smokes Blend, lives next to the one that has a cat.
11. The person that has a horse lives next to the one that smokes Dunhill.
12. The one that smokes Bluemaster drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to a blue house.
15. The person that smokes Blend, has a neighbour that drinks water.

GOOD LUCK!!! Let us know how you do.

B

milesvdustin · October 2015

You have to assume someone has a fish to arrive at an answer.

YukonRon · October 2015

Braggart said:

RESIST THE URGE TO USE GOOGLE OR THE INTERWEB TO SOLVE...

Einstein's Riddle - Who has the fish?

Einstein wrote this riddle last century and said that 98% of the world’s population would not be able to solve it.

I grabbed a pencil and paper and spent an hour challenging myself. Personally, I think Albert was being a bit dramatic, as it took me under 60 mins to solve...but it was fun doing so.

Give it a try! And resist the urge...

Ok...

• There are 5 houses that are each a different colour.
• There is a person of a different nationality in each house.
• The 5 owners drink a certain drink. They each smoke a certain brand of cigarettes and also have a certain pet. No owner has the same pet, smokes the same brand of cigarettes nor drinks the same drink.
• The question is. “Who has the fish?”

CLUES

1. The British man lives in the red house.
2. The Swedish man has a dog for a pet.
3. The Danish man drinks tea.
4. The green house is to the left of the white house.
5. The owner of the green house drinks coffee.
6. The person that smokes Pall Mall has a bird.
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The person that lives in the middle house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The person that smokes Blend, lives next to the one that has a cat.
11. The person that has a horse lives next to the one that smokes Dunhill.
12. The one that smokes Bluemaster drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to a blue house.
15. The person that smokes Blend, has a neighbour that drinks water.

GOOD LUCK!!! Let us know how you do.

B

Got it.

Botch · October 2015

An African fish, or a European fish?

GATraveller · October 2015

Looks like a pretty full day........

Image: http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/2359627/84774191.jpg

jabam · October 2015

Braggart said:

RESIST THE URGE TO USE GOOGLE OR THE INTERWEB TO SOLVE...

Einstein's Riddle - Who has the fish?

Einstein wrote this riddle last century and said that 98% of the world’s population would not be able to solve it.

I grabbed a pencil and paper and spent an hour challenging myself. Personally, I think Albert was being a bit dramatic, as it took me under 60 mins to solve...but it was fun doing so.

Give it a try! And resist the urge...

Ok...

• There are 5 houses that are each a different colour.
• There is a person of a different nationality in each house.
• The 5 owners drink a certain drink. They each smoke a certain brand of cigarettes and also have a certain pet. No owner has the same pet, smokes the same brand of cigarettes nor drinks the same drink.
• The question is. “Who has the fish?”

CLUES

1. The British man lives in the red house.
2. The Swedish man has a dog for a pet.
3. The Danish man drinks tea.
4. The green house is to the left of the white house.
5. The owner of the green house drinks coffee.
6. The person that smokes Pall Mall has a bird.
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The person that lives in the middle house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The person that smokes Blend, lives next to the one that has a cat.
11. The person that has a horse lives next to the one that smokes Dunhill.
12. The one that smokes Bluemaster drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to a blue house.
15. The person that smokes Blend, has a neighbour that drinks water.

GOOD LUCK!!! Let us know how you do.

B

Got it.

OT - jokes puzzles and random thoughts

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