Describe your worst cook

My worst cook? Every attempt ever trying to make chili rellenos. I can never seem to get them to work.

This is a very therapeutic thread.  I figured all you guys were perfect and couldn't screw anything up on your eggs.

I ruined a pan of cheesy potatoes thinking that "a little smoke" might really be good.  They tasted like an ashtray that had gone through a mobile home-that-doubled-as-a-meth-lab fire. 

first time I tried to make homemade gravy with turkey drippings it came out like greasy, wet concrete.  

First brisket on the egg was about the same level of tenderness as the sole on my boots.  

When I first got my egg 15+ years ago I did not know about the forum. I also had no idea how to cook a brisket. But that didnt stop me, I also didnt know the difference between a packer and a flat. I smoked a flat at 250 for a couple hours, I checked the IT and it was 160, I figured that was well done for beef. Needless to say I made the finest shoe leather known to man....

chucktee said:

Maybe technically not a cook, cold smoked cheese.  Emboldened by my successful first attempt, I loaded the Egg with as much as I could fit on two grates.  Smoked for three hours with Traeger cherry pellets in an A-Maze-N tray.  Vacuum sealed immediately (I didn't do this the first time around).

After three weeks in the fridge, everything I tasted was still as acrid as day one.  Some of it never improved, even after several weeks in Ziploc bags with some air.

This was last fall.  I haven't had the opportunity to try again and figure out which of the many possible missteps did the most harm.

Try washing the cheese under some cold water.

I made some pizza that tasted like a house fire when I tried to use splits in the egg. 

Before that, my first cook on a kamado was a chicken that tasted like an ash tray at a bowling alley...I didn't get good smoke.  That chicken got deboned and jettisoned into the neighbors yard with the pack of misfit dogs.  Surprised they didn't run away.

Few other less memorable terrible proteins occurred.  Teachable moments that don't result in hospitalization or death are good in the long run to keep us humble.

PigBeanUs said:

Foghorn said:

I've cooked several things that turned out tasting like a creosote ash tray because I didn't know how to manage the smoke - the most distressing of which was a beef tenderloin.

But the worst cook - because it was frankly inedible - was some ribs done turbo without a drip pan.  The radiant heat from the hot convEGGtor burned the bottom of the ribs to a crisp in the usual time that it would/should take to cook some turbo ribs.  That's how I learned the importance of a drip pan that is spaced with an air gap off whatever you are using as a heat blocker - especially when doing a turbo cook.  

For YEARS the official BGE steak recipe was the Sear and Dwell method. 

It called for a screaming sear on both sides and then to shut down the egg completely. Shut all vents and let the steak come to temperature under the dome heat, not the fire. 

It’s actually (in concept) not different from virtually every method of cooking a steak that is two step.

in no particular order:

-leave steaks on the counter for an hour to warm up, then sear

-sous vide to a particular internal temp, then sear to finish

-hot tub and then sear (slightly different than sous vide)

-sear on both sides (grill or pan sear), and then finish by roasting in an oven

The “Sear and Dwell” method though is disastrous for anything with fat (ribeyes particularly).

You have just been searing at nuclear temps. The fire is roaring. Then you are told to choke the life out of the fire. 

As the coals struggle and die, they throw off horrible smoke, like blowing out a candle. Incomplete combustion. 

Now let’s add dripping fat!  The fat from the rib eye provides more fuel for the dying fire, prolonging the sooty death throes. 

Enjoy!

@PigBeanUs, yeah, I get that.  I've done it a couple of times.  It results in a "smoky" flavor that one can convince one's self is good even though it's not because it tastes like some of the things my dad used to cook.

The creosote taste I'm talking about comes from using a vertical bullet smoker (not an egg) that has a relatively small door for adding coal... and small vents... and an inexperienced cook who wants the temp to get above 250... so he adds small cut limbs of mesquite with full bark that isn't very dry to try to get the temp up because he doesn't realize that the limiting step to his temperature is air, not wood... so the relatively fresh mesquite burns in an oxygen-limited environment from the beginning when the meat is put on cold and is maximally absorbing the smoke flavor, to the end when it tastes like a creosote ash tray.  Even a thick layer of sweet BBQ sauce on ribs cooked in this environment couldn't mask the bitter flavor.  This taste was many times stronger than the sear and dwell "smoky" flavor.

@Foghorn @PigBeanUs I was still learning to manage heat in my wood oven when I decided to cook a quiche. The oven was too hot so I had the bright idea to close the door and extinguish the fire. Der - uhm - can you say acrid smoke? Leaving that quiche sealed inside a dome of nasty smoke taught me a good lesson. That thing was nasty.

May not qualify as 'worst cook', but definitely worst cleanup job so far...

This weekend I dusted some wings with cornstarch and put them into the Joetisserie tumble basket. 

Didn't even get the crispy wings and on top of that I had some major cornstarch concrete to remove from the spit & basket....  took hours of soaking and scrubbing.

Next time, I'm simply trying raised direct with the cornstarch...

Yno said:

Maybe not the worst, but one of the most memorable. Years ago I had a big prime rib on the rotisserie on the gas grill. My future wife and a friend were there, along with my brother. My mother (had to move her in when she developed dementia) had a cat that hated me. Stupid beast tried to make a jump that was past its ability, and started limping and drying. I had to drive it to the vet while my brother held it down. While waiting for the exam, I got a call from my soon to be bride that the roast was on fire, and asked what to do. I told here to turn of the gas and hose down the roast. 

It actually turned out rather well (not well done!). The outside was a bit crispy, but a little trimming and the inside was great. But this is not a method I will intentionally try again.

And the cat?

Yno said:

Maybe not the worst, but one of the most memorable. Years ago I had a big prime rib on the rotisserie on the gas grill. My future wife and a friend were there, along with my brother. My mother (had to move her in when she developed dementia) had a cat that hated me. Stupid beast tried to make a jump that was past its ability, and started limping and drying. I had to drive it to the vet while my brother held it down. While waiting for the exam, I got a call from my soon to be bride that the roast was on fire, and asked what to do. I told here to turn of the gas and hose down the roast. 

It actually turned out rather well (not well done!). The outside was a bit crispy, but a little trimming and the inside was great. But this is not a method I will intentionally try again.

Man, I thought the cat landed on the grill 

To those who asked about the cat and my mother... Well, both had good long lives. I miss my mother. Not the cat.