OT: don't take anything for granted

JohnInCarolina

Friends it is with a heavy heart that I share the news we received today of a second suicide by a Duke undergraduate student during this pandemic.  Raj Mehta was a member of the class of 2022 and an engineering student, who took his own life while at home.  I did not know him but I can't imagine the pain his family and friends are going through right now.  Last week we learned of the death of Grey Spector, who was a senior and was all set to head to law school next year.  Grey was actually someone my wife had worked with while he was a student here in Cary, NC.  He comes from a great family and by all accounts had everything going for him.  Such a terrible loss.  

Nobody knows what these young men were going through, but suffice it to say this is a difficult and challenging time for everyone.  Naively I think there's a tendency to think the young people among us can handle it better than most.  After all, how hard can it be to just switch to taking classes online, right?  I think the reality is that for some the loss of community and daily interactions with friends is a real blow, especially coupled with a fairly grim situation in the outside world. 

During this time I am thankful for my wife, my children, my parents, and my friends.  I am sure many of you feel the same.  These are the things that matter.  But friends, please make the time to reach out to those you know during this period.  Ask them how they're doing.  Don't take anything for granted.  

Peace.

JIC

lkapigian

So sorry to hear, but I fear there be more because of this....We are never giving more than we can handle trust in knowing that 

piney

Sorry to hear John, I'm sure things will improve with the current situation as time goes on. Peace Brother 

MaskedMarvel

If anyone needs to talk - unload on me. I can also share a really great dad joke or two. 

Please call. Anytime. 

336/392-1954

8-Damien

caliking

Words can't express the sadness I feel about these kids. And what their parents feel.

There's a saying in Hindi, that there is no greater sorrow than that of having to be a pall bearer for your own child. 

Our trainees are in some ways our own children. 

I have to stop now. Grocery shortages are one thing. This is entirely different. 

shtgunal3

Very sorry to hear this news John. Prayers go out to the family. 

SciAggie

I told my wife tonight I’m going to ask all of my HS students to check in with me through Zoom at least twice a week. I am having virtual office hours every day. This has nothing to do with education. I just want to make sure some of these kids see a friendly face a couple times a week. I know some of my low socioeconomic students must be struggling. I worry about them. 

When this is all done I hope we truly try to understand the mental issues that effect so many of our young people. Personal relationships matter. 

frazzdaddy

SciAggie said:

I told my wife tonight I’m going to ask all of my HS students to check in with me through Zoom at least twice a week. I am having virtual office hours every day. This has nothing to do with education. I just want to make sure some of these kids see a friendly face a couple times a week. I know some of my low socioeconomic students must be struggling. I worry about them. 

When this is all done I hope we truly try to understand the mental issues that effect so many of our young people. Personal relationships matter. 

You are a good man sir.

DoubleEgger

Terribly sorry to hear about this John. 

JohnInCarolina

SciAggie said:

I told my wife tonight I’m going to ask all of my HS students to check in with me through Zoom at least twice a week. I am having virtual office hours every day. This has nothing to do with education. I just want to make sure some of these kids see a friendly face a couple times a week. I know some of my low socioeconomic students must be struggling. I worry about them. 

When this is all done I hope we truly try to understand the mental issues that effect so many of our young people. Personal relationships matter. 

Good on you my friend.

lousubcap

That is so sad to read.  I can't imagine the depths one has to reach but as you note this is uncharted territory for all of us.  Thus extra vigilance is definitely warranted across the board.    
Condolences to the families, relatives and friends as they work thru this.  Their lives are altered forever.  Sad, so sad.  

ColtsFan

Terribly sorry to hear this. We have to continue to look out for each other.

YukonRon

It is an awful event to have to deal with as a parent, friend, relative or loved one.

Their pain is felt forever for those left behind.

Keep them all in your hearts....do not be afraid to be bold. Always ask when you feel something is wrong.

So tragic, so sorry for you John.

Battleborn

Suicide is so aweful. We have plenty of that in my line of work.

We also have been hit hard in the last week. A NHP trooper was brutally murdered, stripped of his uniform and had his patrol vehicle stolen while stopping to help and stranded motorist in a remote part of the state. There was also a deputy in neighboring county that was shot twice, at close range, from a shotgun. Luckily he is alive and the savage is not.

SciAggie

@JohnInCarolina I can’t help but come back to this thread. I’m so sorry for you, other faculty, and friends of these students. Mental illness is so devastating. You can set (and diagnose) a broken bone - and treat it. There is so much mental illness out there that is undetected and left untreated. Then this sort of thing happens. So sad...

JohnInCarolina

SciAggie said:

@JohnInCarolina I can’t help but come back to this thread. I’m so sorry for you, other faculty, and friends of these students. Mental illness is so devastating. You can set (and diagnose) a broken bone - and treat it. There is so much mental illness out there that is undetected and left untreated. Then this sort of thing happens. So sad...

Thanks Gary.  Hard to see the silver lining with something like this, but it is causing more faculty to reach out to students outside of the classroom during this period.

GATraveller

Not hurts a heart much more than seeing the loss of hope. It can hit any family/community out of nowhere especially in a time like this. I truly hate it for those left behind to try and sort through the wreckage. 

Thanks for bringing this up and into the forefront where it can be discussed. Sorry for the loss. Peace brother. 

Acn

SciAggie said:

I told my wife tonight I’m going to ask all of my HS students to check in with me through Zoom at least twice a week. I am having virtual office hours every day. This has nothing to do with education. I just want to make sure some of these kids see a friendly face a couple times a week. I know some of my low socioeconomic students must be struggling. I worry about them. 

When this is all done I hope we truly try to understand the mental issues that effect so many of our young people. Personal relationships matter. 

A teacher friend posted this on her social media

thetrim

That's just awful to read, John, but thanks for sharing. I'm sorry for your losses.

I was just talking with a neighbor yesterday about how our kids are handling this situation.  There are so many big event in their lives that are being disrupted in ways never before seen.  For so many of them, they don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it really is Earth shattering.

So sad.

SciAggie

@Acn Exactly. Thanks for sharing that. The longer I teach the more I understand that in many ways the most important lessons I teach have little to do with my content (physics, CS). That content is just the “sandbox” we play in. The relationships and life lessons are important. 

SciAggie

I just learned this morning that a former student committed suicide last night. This is getting tough for a lot of folks. 

JohnInCarolina

SciAggie said:

I just learned this morning that a former student committed suicide last night. This is getting tough for a lot of folks. 

Uggh so sorry to hear that Gary.  Damn.  

JRWhitee

John really sorry to hear. 

Boileregger

Just found out a colleague's wife took her own life.  Talk to the people who are important to you.

SciAggie

@Boileregger I’m so sorry. This is very tough on folks mentally. 

JohnInCarolina

Boileregger said:

Just found out a colleague's wife took her own life.  Talk to the people who are important to you.

Wow that is tough.  So sorry to hear that.

thetrim

So sorry @Boileregger

Boileregger

Thanks everyone, this is the third one that has impacted someone I know within the last five years, two adults and one teen.  As a dad of a tween, nothing more scary to me then having to deal with that.  Going to go out of my way with him to get him to talk about his feelings, as unnatural as that is for me.  

caliking

Boileregger said:

Thanks everyone, this is the third one that has impacted someone I know within the last five years, two adults and one teen.  As a dad of a tween, nothing more scary to me then having to deal with that.  Going to go out of my way with him to get him to talk about his feelings, as unnatural as that is for me.  

I don't know what one on a bbq forum can say (i.e. myself) can say in such a situation, but  it is painful to hear. . You're indeed a good friend to stand by your colleague.

Kayak

Boileregger said:

Thanks everyone, this is the third one that has impacted someone I know within the last five years, two adults and one teen.  As a dad of a tween, nothing more scary to me then having to deal with that.  Going to go out of my way with him to get him to talk about his feelings, as unnatural as that is for me.  

There's an invisible line between "I'm so sorry, what can I do to help?" and "I'm so sorry, I know what you're going through." The first gets a "Thank you, but we're doing okay"; the second gets an outpouring of experience. It's just human nature. The best thing they can do is be open about it, and they'll be surprised to find others who've been through it too, and 'understand'.

JohnInCarolina

Bumping this.  

As many of you know, I oversee the PhD program here in mechanical engineering.  We have over 100 PhD students.  I have been spending a good amount of time talking to many of them over the past few weeks.  

Friends, these are very smart and capable young people, and many of them are having a really hard time through all of this.  They know they're a lot better off than many many people right now, that they have what they need to live off and they're still in school, etc.  It could surely be a lot worse.  But that doesn't mean it's easy for any of them.  

If you know a young person of college age or thereabouts, especially those living by themselves, take some time to reach out to them and check in on them.  Ask them how they're doing.  Just let them talk.  In my experience mostly what these young people need is someone who is willing to listen.  

The other thing I have noticed these days, and this applies more broadly, is just how many people are on edge.  This whole thing is pretty effing crazy, no matter how you slice it.  Nobody really knows how to navigate this.  It's unchartered territory for everyone, dealing with this much uncertainty.  

Take care of yourselves out there my friends.