Quote of the day

RajunCajun

"Until you own an egg, you will never understand"

Scottborasjr

"Let's put the women and children to bed and go looking for dinner boys"

Tjcoley

Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded. – Virginia Woolf (Usually misquoted as “no pictures, didn’t happen”)

Tjcoley

When a pig farts, does it smell like bacon?

Bullibe

Do the best you can and let the rough side drag !

nolaegghead

When the going gets tough....

(my usual self-motivating dialog put to video)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7vtWB4owdE

500

"If you blacked out, it didn't happen."

Griffin

Hold my beer (or in @henapple case PBR) and watch this!!

sumoconnell

"What could go wrong?", says guy holding @Griffin 's beer.

"Our word is our bond", Dumb and Dumber

henapple

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss

Eggcelsior

Village Idiot

It's been a rough day.  I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off.  I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

Rodney Dangerfield

Little Steven

There is no crying in baseball

Fred19Flintstone

Fat guy in a little coat! 

fishlessman

having a here time, wish you were wonderful

RajunCajun

"A true Cajun breakfast consists of leftover boiled crawfish, grits, deer sausage, and a few links of boudin".

billyray

If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.

caliking

That which whiskey and butter cannot cure, is not worth curing.

Little Steven

All boys are pigs and don't make your Daddy go to jail.

Little Steven (to his daughter starting at age 4)

henapple

That escalated quickly...

pasoegg

 just remember - "one awh **** wipes out all the atta boys". 

Eggcelsior

Little Steven said:

All boys are pigs and don't make your Daddy go to jail.

Little Steven (to his daughter starting at age 4)

Thank you @Little_Steven, thank you. I'll never forget this wisdom with my 2 girls. I might get this tattooed.

Little Steven

I had several rules and they apply now more than ever. I am now having to pass these out now she is approaching sixteen

 

FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will benotified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune near Baghdad . When my post traumatic stress syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

 

 

Eggcelsior

Fantastic. All I need is acreage and a shotgun.

Fred19Flintstone

I want to give this one five "likes", but I'm only allowed one.

onedbguru

If my sense of humor offends you, I suggest you get over it.

RajunCajun

"It's tough to drain the swamp when you are up to your a** in alligators"

 

Geaux Tigers!

berndcrisp

Never accept a job to work for a person or company that fails the interview.

Scottborasjr

With your permission Little Steven I would like to post a copy of your rules at my daughter's school.  She is 14 months.  When expectations are defined early they are normally met.

henapple

Scott, you're correct. My baby girl is 18. Boys still have to meet me and ask permission to date her. They have all been scared of me... As they should be. She's my baby.

Fred19Flintstone

Please accept my resignation.  I don't care to belong to any forum that will have me for a member.