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Off Topic - Going through divorce, need advice

Hello all,

Unfortunately for my second post ever, I am asking for advice on divorce. I have a lot of friends to talk to, but I'm 31 so most of them haven't gone through divorce. Not sure if this is a great place to get divorce advice but i'll give it a shot.

 Here's my story:

Been married for 5 & a half years, own a house together (which we built last year), have a 5 year old daughter together & a 17 year old step daughter. Recently my wife has been traveling to Maryland for work (starting in May of this year). She started acting a little odd & there were some red flags that arose, so I looked at our phone statement about a week & a half ago. I found text messages to a Maryland number that began at 8am & ended at midnight, for several days in a row. I confronted her about it and she confessed she had been seeing someone up in Maryland when she goes up for work. We spoke last week & she said she still has feelings for the guy and doesn't want to work on the marriage & try to work through this. With that being said we agreed to get a divorce, but will try to live at our current house until May of 2017 when the girls finish this school year. Right now, we would be upside down on the mortgage if we tried to sell, and don't really want to move the girls mid-school year.

Has anyone ever been in this situation before? If so, how did you handle living situations? I'm not sure I can live in the same house while I know she's talking to another man, but at the same time I don't think I could afford an apartment on top of splitting the mortgage. We both just want the divorce to be as clean & easy as possible...Is mediation the best bet or should we both get lawyers? Crappy situation. Sorry to be a Debbie downer. Just looking for quality advice from those who might have been in a similar situation. Thanks in advance

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Comments

  • Really appreciate the advice @Griffin . That's kind of what I was thinking, but didn't know if there would be any easier routes.
  • GriffinGriffin Posts: 8,142
    Keep any proof you have that she cheated if you have any and don't give her any ammunition in the way of e-mails or texts that you wouldn't want showing up in court. Just be civil and respectful and don't do anything out of anger. Maybe mediation cold work, I don't know but if she lawyers up, that lawyer will try to push her to take everything she can.

    Rowlett, Texas

    Griffin's Grub or you can find me on Facebook

    The Supreme Potentate, Sovereign Commander and Sultan of Wings

     

  • LegumeLegume Posts: 11,681
    That sucks - you didn't happen to be on a flight with @DuckDogDr this morning did you?
    I do not have any broken or spare parts for any size egg.
  • @Legume Nope...No flights for me today. In the office (unfortunately)
  • Protect yourself. One thing I hope the two of you remember is that since there is a child,  the two of you will be connected for the rest of your lives. Do what you need to, but be civil. Children have enough to deal with during a divorce, no extra drama needed. Good luck with everything.
  • fishlessmanfishlessman Posts: 27,964
    never been there but have seen it enough times. go talk to some lawyers, ask them right out for a list of who they would use, make a list and pay a retainer with those deemed the best. then try and work things out
    fukahwee maine

    you can lead a fish to water but you can not make him drink it
  • THEBuckeyeTHEBuckeye Posts: 4,229
    Fight with all you got to keep the Egg. 
    New Albany, Ohio 

  • DredgerDredger Posts: 1,468
    There is no such thing as an amicable divorce. My advice would be to get an attorney and have him get those text messages for evidence, if you suspect that she has actually committed adultery. It may seem civil now, but once she gets an attorney, that is very likely to change, so protect yourself. I'm sure you are in somewhat of a state of shock, but do what you have to do. Any attorney worth his salt will advise you to have her removed from the house immediately, not in 2017, and get custody of your daughter, if that is what you want. An old adage worth repeating "Where there's smoke, there's fire". FWIW.
    Large BGE
    Greenville, SC
  • pgprescottpgprescott Posts: 13,539
    Griffin said:
    Lawyer up. Sorry buddy, but it sounds like its over and that sucks, but now its time to protect yourself. Get the feelings and emotions out of the way and treat it like its a business and handle everything like its a business transaction. Don't try and be Mr. Nice Guy, but don't go out of your way to be a d!ck. This coming from somebody who tried to be the nice guy and got screwed in the long run. I'm not gonna lie, its gonna be tough but hopefully down the road you will end up much happier. I did.
    Always an option to be nice after the fact. Just not under court orders to do so!!!
  • On the road, I'll comment later when I get stationary. 

    @Griffin sumed it up mostly. Get a good lawyer.  

    An old head told me when I went through a divorce "look after yourself because that person don't give a **** about you anymore "
    ------------------------------
    Thomasville, NC
    My YouTube Channel - The Hungry Hussey
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  • BeggerBegger Posts: 549
    I'm NOT an attorney, but DO know that state law varies.    Some states are 'no fault' which means stuff like adultry and texting 'another' probably doesn't matter.

    Other have said, and I'll agree, get an attorney ASAP
  • fishlessmanfishlessman Posts: 27,964
    the big thing i hate about lawyers is the size up.  they look at you day one and figure out how much your going to pay them, may it be 20/30/ or 50 k. each state is different, but most judges just want to split the assets, up here theres a mediation process. i did see one divorce that took an hour to go thru, was done on two sheets of paper, you want that, ill take this, right down to ill take the boy, you take the girl.  the first to pull a restraining order stays in the house during the process if it doesnt look so simple
    fukahwee maine

    you can lead a fish to water but you can not make him drink it
  • JohnH12JohnH12 Posts: 213
    I can't emphasize enough that there is no such thing as a "friendly" divorce!
    Add kids and property and it can get real ugly before you know it. The more you try to be nice, the more vulnerable you look.
    Just ask me how I know!
    I don't know where you live but here in Florida there are a few attornys who only take men as clients in divorce cases. I strongly recommend you look for one of those if available in your area.
    Divorce is always just like the old oil change recommendations:
    "Pay me now or pay me later"
  • RRPRRP Posts: 24,068
    Like others said - lawyer up. She's probably been through this already if she has a 17 year old daughter so you were only 14 when she was born.
    Re-gasketing America one yard at a time.
  • Sea2SkiSea2Ski Posts: 4,082
    Never been though one personally, but in addition to what has been stated, save every text message and email between you and her (print them too!), and receipt you pay toward anything to protect yourself; whether related to the house, children, or personal hobbies.

    You and she may be amicable, but the lawyers and the law make things messy and odds are they will make things ugly somehow (intentionally or unintentionally).

    Good luck man, I mean it. 
    --------------------------------------------------
    Burning lump in Downingtown, PA or diesel in Cape May, NJ.
    ....just look for the smoke!
    Large and MiniMax
    --------------------------------------------------

    Caliking said:   Meat in bung is my favorite. 
  • Thanks all. I saved the phone statement...It doesn't have the content in the texts but there is a clear pattern. She admitted to me verbally that they have been physical twice (although I think it's probably more than that). There is also a trip to Dominican Republic (9/29 to 10/4) that she continues to claim is for "work", yet she cannot provide any kind of proof that it is for work. She says it's with a group of people, but he will be there. I refuse to believe that & think that it might be a trip with just them 2. I told her to minimize my pain, I would appreciate if she cancelled the trip. She continues to hold onto the trip & make excuses why she can't cancel it. At this point, I'm done trying to make her cancel the trip...It just stings even worse because she used our Chase Ultimate reward points ($600 worth) for the flight.

    Sorry again to be a Debbie downer...I really appreciate all the input

  • I have been married 25 years this year. Never been divorced. Like the others have said get a lawyer. I will also just say this that if my wife cheated on me there is no way we would be in the same house. Not even in separate rooms, etc. 

    I couldn't do it. 

    Louisville, GA - 2 Large BGE's
  • Don't worry about being a Debbie Downer. Anyone upset by this does not have to read it. It will probably help to vent, and you may get some invaluable advice.
  • GrillmagicGrillmagic Posts: 1,587
    edited September 2016
    Good Luck! 
    Dimondale, Michigan XL BGE
  • GrillmagicGrillmagic Posts: 1,587
    I just edited my post above because my response was pretty strong, lets just go with you are better off with out her!
    Dimondale, Michigan XL BGE
  • I just edited my post above because my response was pretty strong, lets just go with you are better off with out her!
    It was strong, BUT it was also true.

    Louisville, GA - 2 Large BGE's
  • WardsterWardster Posts: 1,006
    edited September 2016

    Assuming from your handle, you are in FL.  It's a no fault state.  That means it doesn't matter what she was doing, who makes more, who's worked longer... nada.  It's a 50/50 state, period.  As most said, you can deal with the emotional aspect later, now it's economical.  Keep your cool, being spiteful won't solve anything and will probably make things worse.  I suggest trying to work it out between yourselves and do your homework, hopefully before she does.  I would design a plan of action and run it by a lawyer.  Go ahead and pay for the consultation visit as you may need them down the road if things go whacky or if she lawyers up.  You can also pick their mind about the process and things to watch for.   

    That's how I did it.

    In a 50/50 state, the lawyers always win.


    Apollo Beach, FL
  • jak7028jak7028 Posts: 231
    Griffin said:
    Lawyer up. Sorry buddy, but it sounds like its over and that sucks, but now its time to protect yourself. Get the feelings and emotions out of the way and treat it like its a business and handle everything like its a business transaction. Don't try and be Mr. Nice Guy, but don't go out of your way to be a d!ck. This coming from somebody who tried to be the nice guy and got screwed in the long run. I'm not gonna lie, its gonna be tough but hopefully down the road you will end up much happier. I did.
    This - It is a business deal now, so treat it like one.  Be very detailed and document everything.  Better to have the info and not need it then need it and not have it.  

    I couldn't imagine having an "easy" divorce with someone that is already divorced once, and now is having an affair and easily end a second marriage with minimal effort.  However, as others have said, don't be hostile or the instigator, you need to just have positive dialogue with goal of moving forward with the divorce and dissolving the relationship.  She could be documenting what you do and what you say on the phone, e-mail, or text and it can be used against you.  Keep conversations objective, and keep the emotions out of it.

    As far as help through the process, you will need emotional help as well as a lawyer.  Even if a friend hasn't been through a divorce, a good friend can be there to listen, maybe have you run ideas and thoughts by them.  You can reach out to a local church to network or even pay a professional.   Just don't try to go through it alone.
    Victoria, TX - 1 Large BGE and a 36" Blackstone
  • I'm actually in Alabama...The Brevard part of my handle is for Brevard College in NC where I went to school. I have setup an appointment with a lawyer for next Friday 9/23.

    @Johnkitchens It is extremely hard living in the same house, especially just 1 & a half weeks after I found out. I was told by a friend of mine not to leave & go stay somewhere else...That it could be considered "Abandoning the family" or something like that. Either way, I don't think we'll be able to make it to summer 2017 living in the same house. I'll have to figure something out financially that will allow me or her to move out while we work through this

  • DoubleEggerDoubleEgger Posts: 16,849
    Solid advice already given. Do remember that you can get some crappy advice from a lawyer. Read up on your state laws before you go see one. If it doesn't pass the sniff test, move on and find someone else. This is a huge event in your life but it's another day at the office for them. The only ones who benefit from divorce are the damn lawyers. 

    Hate that you're going through this. I've been there. Hope that you ultimately find the happiness you deserve. 
  • Never been divorced but have worked with many who have. There are to ways she can try to come out on top: claim domestic violence and child abuse. I would get all fire arms out of the house and start attending all of your daughters school functions. Be aware that this conversation and all other social media posts of yours will be obtained by her lawyer. Last get tested for STDs.
  • BattlebornBattleborn Posts: 2,258
    Listen to your friend and do not leave that house under any circumstance, unless court ordered. Even if you don't care about the house so much, it may help with custody of your young one. 
    Las Vegas, NV
    LG BGE, off-set smoker & various Weber's 
  • My wife has been divorced. She is my first marriage. She makes it very clear to me, that if we divorce, she is going to lawyer up because she didn't last time and she thinks she got screwed. She says this all tongue in cheek, but I believe she is dead serious, so with this being your wife's second one coming, I would bet she is also set to lawyer up unless she is lost in some mental mind fantasy of love for this new guy, and when it gets real for him and no longer a fling and he dumps her, be prepared for her to come at you full force as her life will now be in shambles from her poor choices. 

    Karma---it will find its way!!

    Sorry for you man!!  Can't even imagine how hard it must be. 
    Just bought an Egg?  Here is what you get to look forward to now:

    Plate Setter, FlameBoss 200, Spider, PSWOO-CI, Additional Rig Shelf for dome cooking, Thermapen, iGrill2, Cast Iron, Blackstone, Cooking Accessories for the Blackstone, Cover for the Egg and the Blackstone, shopping for Rub like a fine wine or IPA, and a new fascination with lump and what brand is the best-all to be debated every Friday Night.  Next desires-Joetisceriie, Adjustable Rig, Grillmates, table and more eggs

    Livermore, California
  • Thanks @tikigriller

    This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. Last week I had to leave work a few times a day just to ride around & cry. It hurts, really bad. The part that hurts the worst is the fact that she doesn't seem as remorseful as she should. I'm ready to get my own place & move on, but it's not that easy unfortunately

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