northGAcock said:

What you need to do is find the recipe for Clara Johnson's award winning homemade pickles.

You just dated yourself.

I buy pickles.  However, I add a few bags of kool-aid and a cup of sugar.  After a week they are great.

I remember this thread!  Noted.  

I've got my latest iteration in the frig now, waiting for me to finish another container of Grillo's (they go on sale for $5.99 often) and will see if I'm any closer.  I do know I forgot the Pickle Crisp this time, so they'll be a bit floppy.  

Pickle Update as requested.  I got a couple things wrong.
 
I knew that they're fermented, as the jar always fizzes up when I first remove the lid (and I now always open the commercial jar in the sink, as there's no air space in the container and it always overflows).  I started out using Bon Appetít's  fermented pickle recipe, but they never developed the tang of Grillo's.  I read thru the ingredients on the Grillo's jar, and they do use vinegar along with the brine.
 
I tried a half-brine/half-vinegar solution first, let them ferment 4 days on the counter, then chilled for a week.  They went bad, very bad; inedible.  
 
But here was my first mistake; I thought the list read "Cucumbers, brine, vinegar, salt,..." but it actually said "Cucumbers, brine (water, vinegar, salt),..."!  I know the FDA requires labels to list the ingredients in order of quantity (by weight or by volume, I'm not sure).  Seeing that vinegar was listed after water, I assumed that my 50/50 blend lowered the pH too much, killing the lactose bugs off immediately so the cukes just spoiled on the counter.  
 
My current batch I used just brine, let them ferment on the counter four days (plenty of bubbles) and then poured off about a third of the brine, replaced it with white vinegar, sealed the jar and put it in the frig; will be trying one with lunch today (I also have a half-jar of commercial Grillo's in the frig for a side-by-side comparison).  
 
About a week ago I finally remembered to just search for a Grillo's recipe via Google (d'Oh!), and found some interesting info on recipe sites, Reddit, pinterest, etc.  Virtually everyone claimed that Grillo's were strictly refrigerator pickles, and not fermented at all; I disagree, as they fizz when they're first opened.  This recipe appeared at the top of the list, I'll post it just for comparison:
 

 
Botch here.  I disagree with the addition of sugar (that would have to be listed separately on the Grillo's label, and there isn't any).  She also left out any "crisping" agent (Grillo's uses a grape leaf).  
 
And here's my second mistake: from past fermenting recipes/videos I knew that many things could keep veggies "crisp" as they ferment or are canned: grape leaves, oak tree leaves, bay leaves, black tea leaves, or Ball's "Pickle Crisp" (an additive from the grocery store).  I knew that Pickle Crisp is just calcium chloride, so assumed it occurred naturally in the different leaves; WRONG!  The leaves all contain tannins, not calcium chloride, which also keep veggies crisp.  I killed my grapevine when I redid my back patio, no oak trees nearby, and black tea would stain the whole jar, but I may have to experiment with bay leaves, maybe in combination with the Pickle Crisp.  
 
I'll update this after lunch.  

Side-by-side:  
 
Appearance:  the Grillo's looked like a freshly-picked cucumber; my batch was darker and more an "olive" green, but certainly not unappetizing.

Crispness: Very, very close, but the Grillo was slightly crisper.  The Grillo used a grape leaf, mine used a pinch of Pickle Crisp (calcium chloride).
 
pH:  Grillo appeared to be a 5, mine closer to 6; I was using pH paper so I can't be any more accurate than that.  Note that Grillo's is an unknown ratio of water and vinegar, with "some" fermenting/lactic acid, while mine was 1/3 white vinegar and 2/3 brine with an unknown amount of lactic acid.  I don't think either is acidic enough to kill off lacto bugs, will have to look that up.     
 
Flavor:  They were different.  The Grillo tasted "fresher", like a hot-summer-day pickle, while mine was definitely funkier, in a very good way,  something I'd enjoy with a heavy stew on a cold night.  I couldn't pick a favorite, they were both great and I may keep both on hand in the future.
 
I want to try the recipe above, with the addition of a crisping agent and an habanero; maybe make two jars and put one directly into the frig and let the other ferment four days before the frig, and compare them side-to-side (the failure I mentioned above was on a sample size of one, so I may have had a dirty jar or some other contamination).  This is fun.    

Botch said:

HeavyG said:

I've bought Grillo's a few times. Their buckets are literally filled to the rim and one will likely spill some brine when opening the first couple of times but I've never had a fizzy response. 

I'm not meaning fizzy as in "shake your BIL's Miller Lite can before you hand it to him", but I can hear some bubbles fizzing and see small bubbles forming on the cukes themselves.  
Come to think of it, maybe that's just altitude.  I live at 4,300 ft, and Grillo's are sealed up in Massachusetts; many times bags of chips look over-inflated and "pop" when I open them (as do jars of kimchee).  Dunno.  

I understood what you meant by "fizzy". I'll see "fizziness" in my homemade kraut and some kimchi's but never have in Grillo's. The only pickles that I have bought that are fermented are from "Olive My Pickle" (https://www.olivemypickle.com/) and those bags can become inflated more than a New England Patriots football.

Your altitude might well explain some of the bubbling you see. I'm at sea level so... nada.

Curious, I went to the Grillo's site and this is what they say re fermentation:



Of course that doesn't mean that some buckets of their pickles might naturally start fermenting especially if they are not stored in proper refrigeration their entire journey.

In any case, good luck with your pickle journey. I'm sure you'll find the right path. Have you read any of Sandor Katz's books?