My 2007 bowel predictions

Beeno's 2007 Bowel Preview

December 18, 2007

I love the holiday season.

Back when I was a child, Christmas at the Cook household was a wonderful time.

One year was fairly poignant. My brother Walter was about to ship out for the war. My uncle Jimmy came by and warned Walter that battle was quite dangerous, but assured Walter that the Spanish Army in Cuba wasn't nearly as fierce as the Johnny Rebs that Jimmy faced.

After that I'm not sure what happened, but I think I sneaked out to drink some of the sour mash then fell down in a snow drift and was knocked unconscious. All I remember was coming to and noticing that I had scraped one of my chins.

A couple years later I can remember spending New Year's Day sitting by the fireplace waiting to listen to the Rose Bowel on the radio. Unfortunately, radio hadn't been invented yet, so we just had to sit there and imagine all the wonders taking place in Pasadena, especially the activities of the USC Song Girls. Who, by the way, hadn't been invented yet either. Radio, Song Girls, let's just say I was a visionary.

These days the bowel games are all on television and radios are only useful when plugged in, tied to stray cats, and thrown into bathtubs. But the Song Girls are still useful. Whoa, nellie, they're useful.

Last weekend I tuned in some of the championship games and it was a bit confusing.

The Big Ten had a pretty mediocre year, so why were they even invited to these games?

Michigan somehow got a rematch against the Appalachian State Mountain Men and got thumped even worse than they did in September. Then they turned around and hired the Mountain Man coach, who probably will get rid of those funky helmets and that Delaware single wing T.

The next day Northwestern, which wasn't even good enough to make a bowel game, played a team from some new state I'd never heard of before, Valdosta.

I tell you, I liked things a lot better when this country had 43 states and you knew each of them.

Now they're adding so many states and building colleges and it's confusing, you've got new states like Valdosta, Appalachian, Chico, and some guy named Stan Jose. Stan Jose? Never heard of him.

It's pretty sad when people get states named after themselves. I prefer regular states that don't have ego trip names, like Washington and Pennsylvania.

The finale was better news for the Big Ten. Wisconsin won their championship game against some Union team behind a back named Beaver. They must have had a tough time getting him away from Oregon.

Anyway, I'm glad that the Big Ten / State U championship challenge is over. Now we can get back to some real football.

Thursday, December 20: The San Diego Credit Union Foreclosure Notice with Free Poinsettia Bowel (San Diego, California). Utah vs. Navy

Utah survived the loss of head honcho R Ban Meyer a few years back and are back boweling again. But they'll definitely not have the home field advantage, as half the fleet will be in the harbor raining shells down on the Utah student section. Should be fun to watch the carnage.

Beeno's Pick: Navy

Friday, December 21: The New Orleans Underwater Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Florida Atlantic vs. Memphis

Now this is a wiser geographic pairing. I was really concerned that the people running this bowel would greatly increase travel costs by inviting Florida Pacific instead. Florida Atlantic has done a fine job of building a program under legendary coach Howard Schembechler. Memphis hasn't done much since Larry Kickk was running wild in the WFL.

Beeno's Pick: Memphis

Saturday, December 22: The British Dental Association Birmingham Bowel (Birmingham, England). Ole Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati

Okay, people have made it clear to me that whenever you see Cincinnati in a regular season or post-season game, it's not the Cincinnati Bengals. Apparently there's actually a University of Cincinnati. Which is good, because education is important, especially for the thugs who embarrass a good group of players like those in the AFC Norris Division. Here's hoping they can stick it to the pride of the SEC. Well, more like the dregs of the SEC, the boys from Oxford, Ole Southern Miss.

Beeno's Pick: Cincinnati

Saturday, December 22: The Ron Mexico Electrocuted Dog's Bowel (Albuquerque, Mexico). Nuevo Mexico vs. Nevada

I guess this is the matchup of the runners-up in the two divisions of the WAC. I remember when the NFL used to have their Runner-up Bowel, they'd take the two teams that lost in the first round of the playoffs and have them play a game in Miami. The teams would take it easy, you'd see more hitting there than you do at a typical ballet performance (let me tell you, those steel-toed ballet slippers can cause a lot of damage to the manly parts).

So I guess this is college football's version of that tradition. Look for the Vegas boys to fight gamely but eventually fall to the foreigners.

Beeno's Pick: Nuevo Mexico

Saturday, December 22: Siegfried and Roy Disemboweled (Las Vegas, Nevada). UCLA vs. BYU

BYU played UCLA early this season but lost by a healthy margin. This time the Fightin' Morons are hoping that the Bruins are distracted by all the sights on the Strip. Personally, I recommend Madame Ovary's Dungeon, that gal can whip it with the best of them.

Beeno's Pick: BYU

Sunday, December 23: The Montana Winter Tourism Bureau Hulu Bowel (Honolulu, Hawaii). East Carolina vs. Boys' State

I think it's great that a school for troubled young men can do as well as Boys' State has done in recent years. But all of the sinful temptations of Hawaii could prove to be difficult to resist, so I hear their coach is going to add saltpeter to the Gatorade.

East Carolina has proudly represented their expansion state, but won't have enough to win.

Beeno's Pick: Boys' State

Wednesday, December 26: The Toyota Motor City Bowel (Detroit, Michigan). Purdue vs Seamen U

Purdue's had a glorious season, complete with beatdowns by Big Ten powers like Ohio State, Michigan, and Indiana. They'll now top it off by taking on the boys from Annapolis.

Beeno's Pick: Seamen U

Thursday, December 27: Billie Holiday's Bowels (San Diego, California). Arizona State vs. Texas

Now this is more like it for Coach John Mackovic Brown, another late season collapse followed by a Christmas-time trip to beautiful San Diego.

Arizona State has had a solid year themselves and has a good shot of upholding the pride of the WAC.

Beeno's Pick: Texas

Friday, December 28: The ****'s Sporting Goods Champs Sports Bowel (Orlando, Florida). Michigan State vs. Boston College

The Fighting Chippewas are back in the bowel picture for the first time since their 2003 matchup with Nebraska. I guess you could say they've been Incognito since. Ha, that's Rich! As a reward they get a matchup with Boston College, or as my friends in South Bend call them, Frodo. I never got that "Lord of the Rings" stuff anyway, put one of those big pills in the tank and the rings go away.

I told my good friend Lee Corso about how to get rid of those stains and he told me about the time he played a prank at my good friend Mike Tirico's house by dropping what Lee called "an upper decker". I never knew Lee was so into baseball.

Beeno's Pick: Boston College

Friday, December 28: The Dallas Schoolbook Suppository Texas State Championship Game (Houston, Texas). TCU vs. Houston

Now I happen to love state championship games, I always tune in the Pennsylvania high school finals. But this game doesn't even involve high school teams, you've got the pride of the Southwestern Conference, the Horned Frogs, and they aren't a high school team. And they're going up against Houston, who are a couple steps above high school themselves.

Beeno's Pick: The Oilers

Friday, December 28: The Cubic Zirconium Emerald Bowel (San Francisco, California). Maryland vs. Oregon State

Coach Fridge brings his team to the beautiful city of San Francisco to face off against the Ducks of coach Craig Erickson. I know who I'll have my money on in the annual coaches' quiche-eating contest.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon State

Saturday, December 29: The Meinecke Continental Bowel (Charlottesville, Virginia). Yukon vs. Wake Forest

This has just gone too far. We've already got enough expansion colleges playing in the NCAA, taking up spaces that should go to traditional teams. And now we're allotting one of our precious bowel spots to a team from the far reaches of Canada. Outrageous! I guess since we now have a bowel game in Canada they demanded we let one of their teams in, so here we are.

Wake Forest has had a couple good seasons, but I don't think they can deal with a team that will have 13 men on the field, eight of them in motion, scoring rouges at will. And where exactly are they going to put the 55 yard line?

Beeno's Pick: Yukon

Saturday, December 29: The EU Liberty Bowel (Memphis, Tennessee). Mississippi State vs. Central Florida

You've got to admire what Coach George O. Leary has done since his wildly successful days (all two of them) at Notre Dame. He's got an up and coming program and now he'll be trying to show his stuff against one of the top teams in the bottom half of the SEC.

Beeno's Pick: Mississippi State

Saturday, December 29: The General Santa Ana Alamo Bowel (San Antonio, Mexico). Penn State vs. Texas A&M

JoePa gets one more trip back to the Riverwalk. I understand they've widened the wooden walkways so Coach Paterno's scooter can squeeze through. I suspect his team will have enough to get past the Horns.

Beeno's Pick: Penn State

Sunday, December 30: The Boxcar Bowel (Shreveport, Louisiana). Colorado vs. Alabama

Given all the 6-6 teams showing up in Shreveport, the organizers decided just to accept reality and rename the game. The Golden Buffaloes have been up and down all year, at least until they drilled the Nebraska Cornholio. They'll face a tough battle against the Tide and the magic of new head coach Nick Satan.

Beeno's Pick: Alabama

Monday, December 31: The Red Army Armed Forces Bowel (Fort Worth, Texas). Cal vs. Air Force

I'm not saying that this is an unusual matchup, but I'm hearing that any Berzerkly hippies who climb trees at this game are gonna need to learn the lyrics to the ditty "Napalm Sticks to Kids".

Beeno's Pick: Cal

Monday, December 31: The Michael Jackson Children's Charities Humanitarian Bowel (Boise, Idaho). FSU vs. Georgia Tech

The first time I saw that blue field up there in Boise, I started fiddling with the knobs on my TV. Pretty soon I looked up and the field looked green, my good friend Keith Jackson looked orange, and my good friend Brian Gumbel, believe it or not, looked black.

My new TV doesn't have knobs, just these remote controls with weird menus. Except whenever I try to use my remote to order from the menu, the option for cheese steak isn't there. I don't get these new-fangled devices.

As for the game, this is a rematch of an earlier season SEC showdown and I'll go with the Noles.

Beeno's Pick: FSU

Monday, December 31: The Ciudad Juarez Sun Bowel (El Paso, Texas). Oregon vs. South Florida

It seems like just about every team in Florida is in a bowel game except for Miami. What can I say, the Dolphins are awful.

Oregon has had a rough go of it ever since their starting quarterback got injured. The extra year of legibility granted to Ryan Leaf didn't help and the Beavers are now down to their third string QB. But I suspect the former President's grandson **** Dixon the Third will return to the lineup.

Beeno's Pick: Oregon

Monday, December 31: The 2 Live Motley Crue/Kaplan Test Prep Music City Bowel (Nashville, Tennessee). Florida State vs. Kentucky

It's great that FSU was able to find an additional last-minute sponsor for this bowel, one that reflects Florida State's dedication to educational excellence. I do think the Noles are going to have a tough time, having to fly from Idaho to Tennessee after their Hamatarian Bowel game.

You have to be proud of the Wildcats. They hired a well-regarded older coach and have turned it around. Who would have known that Herb "Miracle on Ice" Brooks could coach football so well?

Beeno's Pick: Florida State

Monday, December 31: The Katie Couric Televised Peach Bowel (Atlanta, Georgia). Clemson vs. Auburn

The last few years when Clemson played FSU we had the regular season Bowden Bowel. So it's nice that we'll get to see a Bowden Bowel in the post-season and this Bowden Bowel will be on national television.

I just hope they use one of those minicameras, believe me, it hurts when they shove one of those full-sized buggers up there.

Beeno's Pick: Auburn

Monday, December 31: The Tucson Chamber of Commerce Insight.com Bowel (Phoenix, Arizona). Indiana vs. Oklahoma State

It's great to see the Hoosiers back in the bowel picture for the first time since the days when I charmed TV audiences with my "Beeno Fro". The Cowboys' penetration will have no trouble getting through the IU D.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma State

Tuesday, January 1: The Ponderosa Outback Bowel (Tampa, Florida). Wisconsin vs. Tennessee

This is an aptly named bowel, because if there's one thing those Badgers know how to do, it's knock back the beef. The Vols are pretty good at knocking back the BBQ. And me, Johnny, and Barry Alvarez know how to knock back the bourbon. A good time will be had by all.

Beeno's Pick: Wisconsin

Tuesday, January 1: The Tampax Cotton Bowel (Dallas, Texas). Missouri vs. R Kansas

You've got a real clash of cultures here. A bunch of undereducated mountain people against the jewel of a state's educational system. Drunken ruffians with a history of violence against distinguished leaders. I just hope R Kansas isn't intimidated by those Ozark hillbillies from Columbia.

Beeno's Pick: Missouri

Tuesday, January 1: The FU Gator Bowel (Jacksonville, Florida). Texas Tech vs. Virginia

You have to like a team that throws as much as Texas Tech does. They throw from the shotgun, they throw from the wishbone, they throw from punt formation, I swear even the drum major likes to toss it a bit.

I was talking about that with my good friend Herb Street and he told me about some Kappa Kappa Grammar from OSU and the spread and tossing the salad.

I don't quite understand Herb at times.

Virginia has bounced back from a rough couple of seasons and should be ready to defend the Tech offense, but I think Rick Leach will have one more trick up his sleeve here than will the Hokies.

Beeno's Pick: Texas Tech

Tuesday, January 1: The Fulmer/Carr Citrus Classic (Orlando, Florida). Florida vs. Michigan

I think it's great that Floyd Carr is calling it quits following the game that was named for him. I'm sure some of the finest moments in his career occurred in the shadow of Disneyland, not that I'll be there. Never could stand that mouse. Trust me, he'll grope anything that breathes including Little Beeno.

R Ban Meyer has done a great job of restoring Florida's past glory after Visor Boy let things drift for a few years there. He'll win this one easily.

Beeno's Pick: Florida

Tuesday, January 1: The Rose Bowel, presented by Depends Undergarments (Pasadena, California). Southern Cal vs. Illinois

Coach Zook has done a very good job with the Illini, rebulding the program and making them a player on the national stage. The folks at Illinois were smart, they determined Coach Zook's true expertise and put him in a position to succeed and now Illinois has the finest dance team in the Big Ten. But they're still no match for the Song Girls.

Beeno's Pick: Southern Cal

Tuesday, January 1: The Cuban Ministry of Agriculture Sugar Bowel (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). Hawaii vs. Georgia

You've got to admire Hawaii and their coaching staff with all their pro experience. I just wish Jerry Glanville was still on staff just so he could hand over his WWF championship belt buckle after Georgia crushes the Rainbows.

Beeno's Pick: Georgia

Wednesday, January 2: The Peta/KFC Fiesta Bowel (Glendale, Arizona). Oklahoma vs. Western Virginia

Western Virginia had the BS title game spot all wrapped up until they met up with my Pitt Panthers a couple weeks ago. I haven't seen a Mountaineer choke like that since Cinemax ran that hitchhiker movie marathon.

Oklahoma had a devastating loss to Boys' State last year. I'm guessing they will be better prepared this time. No postgame marriage proposals this year, they'll do it the Oklahoma way, shotgun weddings left and right.

Beeno's Pick: Oklahoma

Thursday, January 3: The Johnson Demolition Orange Bowel (Miami, Florida). Kansas vs. Virginia Tech

A lot of people have complained that this is a bit of a letdown bowel game. How Kansas should not have been chosen ahead of Missouri and how Va Tech was embarrassed down at LSU earlier this year. But what do you expect when you play the Tigers in the daytime, everyone knows that they're like Dracula, they suck the most at night.

To me there's no way this isn't one of the top bowels this year. It's the final game in the Orange Bowel and they're going to bring out the dynamite and start taking down the stands. In fact reportedly the explosives will be set off by the final gun. Woo baby, talk about some fireworks! Not to mention stampedes!

Beeno's Pick: Virginia Tech

Saturday, January 5: The Incontinentia Buttocks Bowel (Toronto, Ontario). Rutgers vs. Ball State


Suburban New Jersey and Muncie Indiana meet on the shores of scenic Lake Ontario in the middle of January, on a 110-yard field in front of 5,000 Canadian fans (or 40,000 metric fans). I tell you, I love the bowel season.

Beeno's Pick: Rutgers

Sunday, January 6: The Vito's Auto Repossession GMAC Bowel (Mobile, Alabama). Tulsa vs. Boweling Green

Boweling Green has always been one of my favorite mid-major programs. Some great football and some fine dashing coaches like R Ban Meyer, Doyt Perry, and Gary Blackney, quite the collection of ladies' men. The coeds really go for that and it's no wonder that BGSU is known as the Cradle of Crotches.

Tulsa hasn't had a year like this since ole Coop was heading up their program. I bet he'll be watching proudly from his hotel room in New Orleans.

Beeno's Pick: Tulsa

Monday, January 7: The BS Title Game (New Orleans, Gulf of Mexico). LSU vs. Ohio State

And so here we have it once again.

The clash of two titanic programs with great histories and wonderful fan bases, meeting with a national title on the line.

Both teams lost some great talent to the professional ranks last year, including both quarterbacks, some assorted wide receivers, and a couple band members.

The Buckeyes cruised through their Big Ten schedule until they were upset by the Fighting Illini, but they recovered to top Michigan and, after a series of events even more unlikely than the plot twists in that "Gay Anatomy" show, made their way to the BS title game.

LSU looked stunning in some games but struggled in overtime. Now I'm still a bit uncertain about these overtime rules. I saw one team last week score in the third overtime, go for two points, and miss it. Then the other team scored and instead of kicking the extra point to win, they went for two also.

I think teams go for two points all too often. An extra point in the hand is worth two hands in the bush. I mentioned that to my good friend Becky Bernstein and she slapped my face pretty hard. My chins are still vibrating from that whack.

But I digress. I think Ohio State will come out fired up to win one for Coop, but Coach Miles has too much talent on the field, so he'll be the one marching off the field wearing his lucky "M" cap.

Beeno's Pick: LSU