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Yet another blast from the past

StumpBabyStumpBaby Posts: 56
edited 6:43AM in EggHead Forum
This fine nugget was penned a while back in honor of a certain whizzer's 50th birthday. These were the days when I would bang out a superlong StumpBaby story almost every day...I miss that...but soon...I hope..

Turnin 50...ahhhhh...lets see..deep in the bowels..of a StumpBaby brain..there lurks...

It was 1985..and Aunt Geraldine was just on the verge of turnin 50. Momma decided that we all autta have one hell of a shindig to celebrate Gerry's 50th. You wouldn't believe how momma outdone herself, the barn was decorated so nicely (course poppa sure was mad at havin to move all the farm equipment outta the way..but tween you an me.. I think it was the shovelin part he hated the most..but poppa was the best one for the job..cause as a youngin, he was the one spent half the time during the circus show followin the elephants around with that big spoon..truth be tol, after I saw pictures of that..I don't eat mommas soup no more..on accounta that spoon was lookin all too familiar..and although I seen it washed in the creek more'n once..I still get that picture in my mind when I see it. I still don't know why poppa had to stand so close..if'n it was me..I'd stand back a little..let the thing fall first..then cool off a bit..shoot it coulda saved on film..I don't know how many pictures I seen where you couldn't even see poppas face..cause there was a big bushy tail hidin it...all you could see is this bushy ol' face..with a hand outstretched holdin a giant spoon..for years I thought poppa had a big bushy beard when he was only 10..which I thought splained a lot about my sista Beulah..until momma splained that picture..which is all good'n fine..but now that leaves me wonderin bout Beulah after all)

So, poppa got the barn all cleared out, and momma had it all decorated nice like..with little punkins and gourds hangin round. Momma loved to make things outta pumpins and gourds..I don't really know why..but one time..I think she got a little too much shine..and she carved a giant pumpkin into somethin poppa could wear.sorta as a pair of pants..and she done made a face on the front of it..so cleverly carved ...she said...that poppa could use one of his own things as the nose..I heard her tell gramma that the next morning poppa musta woke up feelin like a snob cause he had is nose turned up at her..I think that was the last time poppa wore them there pumpkin pants. I don't think I ever heard gramma laugh so hard as that day.

So the night of the party..we was all hangin round in the barn..and the jug band was playin (tween you and me..it sounded too much like us kinfolks day after momma made her killer beans..so much so that I kept waitin for the worst part..but it never came) and I think the grownups were havin a bit too much of mommas shine..cause they got it into their gaint craniums to crown her the queen of the ball (Uncle Willie jumed up and yelled that his wife Millie was the real queen of the ball..and a lot of folks laughed at that.. but I sure didn't understand..and I asked grampa..and he told me Willie had an unfortunate accident with a milkin machine on his farm, which left him missin a ..what he called "important item"..sometimes I wonder what happens when big folks drink mommas shine..here poor Willie was obviously missin somethin that meant somethin to him..yet..they was all laughin bout it)..only problem was they sure didn't have nothing to use as a crown.

Well..seems one thing led to another..and next thing you know..they was puttin the punch bowl on Gerry's head..cause short of the milking jugs..was prolly the only thing what would fit (milkin jugs, to us country folks..is sacred..you don't mess with a milkin jugs..they is just for milk period)..and all seemed fine..till somebody went and finally tried to get that punchbowl offa Gerry's head..and what happened next is sorta hard to explain..seems to me..when I saw what happened..I thought of 2 things, somebody autta have cleaned out that there punchbowl before puttin it on Gerry's head..and Gerry shoulda stooped them from doin it in the first place...that punchbowl lifted slwoly..and unfortunately..much to the dismay of all partygoers..so did Garrys hair..cleanly...revealing the shiniest dome I ever seen..apparently Gerry was wearing a wig..which until that exact momment..nobidye..even her kinfolk..suspected.

Man alive ..the look on Gerry's face was pure embarrassment...reminded me of the time..at Grampas 70th birthday pary..we got him to do the limbo..he sure was good at it..that limbo pole was a mere foot and a half off the floor..and grampa..exclaiming how limber he was..bent way back..and he was almost across..when out from his loose shorts..with the sound of an acorn dropping from a majestic oak..drops one of his prickly pears onto the floor..for all to see..cept of course for grampa...who. maybe due to his age..maybe due to his bad hearing..never even knew it happened..and continued on his quest to make it under that limbo pole..dragging this exposed offensive item. When he stood up..and gramma made that gesture..and poor grampa realized that there was some low hanging fruit in the room..slowly turned around a did some serious tucking.

Ahh..that was the end of the party for Gerry..nothin like exposing a seemingly well covered .. gaint shiny cranium to ruin somebodies day. It sure took a long time to calm down Gerry...but she never agreed to rejoin the party..preferring instead to stay in the kithen .. hugging one of mommas jugs-o shine. Most folks went home right after that hairy incident..knowing full well the damage it had done..but not poppa..grampa.. and the jug band..they played on into the night..last thing I heard was poppa singin.."shine on Kentucky moon..won't yah keep on shinin"....and shortly thereafter...the jug band breakin out in laughter.


Happy Birthday Whiz.

Hope you have a great 50th!

StumpBaby

Comments

  • lowercasebilllowercasebill Posts: 5,218
    i don't know where it comes from, but it is genius. you should put them all in a book.
    bill
  • "Sparky""Sparky" Posts: 6,024
    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I got nothin to say :lol: :lol: You're killin me :lol: :lol:
  • StumpBabyStumpBaby Posts: 56
    Bill,

    I just recently recovered my collection of StumpBaby stories from a computer that went out on me, so I've been spending the last few days reading through some of these things I ain't seen in the betta part of a year. I have over 500 full size pages of them, from a period of 6 years or so. These days I'm in some kinda serious brain funk and I can only write little things here and there...but I sure do hope to one day be back at it..in the meantime I gotta figure out what to do with these old stories. Folks sometimes ask if'n I gotta favorite..an I hafta say the one below is right up there..(someone posted saying somethin is stranger than a dog with three weiners) and this just came to me....but a few of the poems I'm likin as much if not a little bit more...

    I nevah thought we'd find nuttin what liked poppas bowlin ball bettah than poppa..till we got a puppy like that. poppa sure was mad too...you shoulda seen the look on his face..at first we thought that puppy was smart as all get out..and was knowin poppa wanted that bowlin ball..so took it upon hisself to get it out of the bottom of the closet and push it over towards poppa...and so we was standin there cheerin and clappin..while that little mutt bent its back over..tucked that ball up under it's little belly..and began slowly pushin poppas prized bowlin ball across the kitchen floor..that dog sure looked happy to be helpin poppa we thought..till it got real close to poppa and then stopped..this is when we thought maybe that ball was just to big for that little dog..cause it sure looked like try as it might..sorta rockin back and forth..that ball was just stuck.

    That's when poppa decided to help that dog..and as we all watched on..poppa got out of his prized chair..and bent over in front of that dog..and reached up under and grabbed that bowlin ball and pulled it towards him with both his hands..and thats when I found out a coupla things what I didn't know before..one is that this dog was dummer than a box of hammers...it knowd poppa was wantin that ball and yet it still did not let go..two is that apparently dogs don't need thumbs to hold onto somethin real tight..three is why poppa done named that dog tripod. When poppa lifted that ball up..that dog was still attached..and it swung up under and was hangin from that ball upside down..all four of it's limbs danglin under it..a great gasp was heard from all the kinfolks when we realized that dog was helpin itself to that ball..not helpin poppa get it..momma..bein as smart as she is..ran down to the creek and got a pan of cold water..and as we looked on in amazement..she poured that cold water onto that ball..right where that dog was holdin it..and slowly..one by one..them bowlin ball grabbin doggie wonder nubs shrunk..and that dog fell right onto the floor..howlin like you read about..and done runned off..and me and the kinfolks..started clappin and cheerin..a little for momma and her quick thinkin..a little for poppa gettin his ball back..and just a little for tripod...proud owner of three of the finest and prolly strongest bowlin ball grabbin wonder nubs in the canine world..period!

    Poppa don't keep that bowl low to the ground no more..that's for sure.

    Ahhh..the life of a Stump

    StumpBaby
  • JCinGAJCinGA Posts: 139
    Stump
    Tell him you don't make it up, it's true stories.
    Jim
  • lowercasebilllowercasebill Posts: 5,218
    stump,
    i sure hope you can back them up on a disc of print them out to save. i am so limited in my artistic/creative talents i can barely play the radio and am awestruck by guys like you and stike that can create. stike posted this a while back like it was nothin


    sketchhahaha.jpg

    pain of death i could not do that or write like you..
    i have not been around that long but my favorite is your sister walking past the tv in her altogether and the static electricity ............
    i hope your move goes well and life gets a bit easier...time with the family and the egg etc.
    bill
  • StumpBabyStumpBaby Posts: 56
    Bill,

    Maybe this is the one with baulah and the tv. It was in a totally diffreent place. Sheesh you think id be more organized...

    Thanks for the nice comments....

    I got nuttin real to add to this thred cept to say that for the past too hole days I had a hair across my ass the size of a twisted french kruller. Don't ask me how I no that neither, I mean its won of them things you aint autta nevah have to actually put it there to no what it feels like. Yesterday started out great...I put a big ole hunk of beef on mine egg evin though it was a goober shrinkin 7 degrees or somethin out there. I felt like ifn anybody whos nobody was to see me then what with no pants on wood for shore prolly call me eetha Acorn Paulie or Turtle Head for maybe weeks or somethin..anyway I went back inside an started takin down the christmas tree..now I should point out that I aint like none otha folks what take down their trees..an it had nuttin to do with my new turtle head none neetha..it's just that I aint watered this tree for somethin like weeks..and it was drier than grampas air biskits..least before his prollem what made him hafta ware them man dipers...I'll tell you what...first of all you'd never think you'd wish you had them drie air biskits back..an secondly..them folks what make them man dipers i gess don't realize them wood be used on ole folks what mite maybe have some things what is so dog gonned tired of hangin round they was makin a beeline for the floor for some rest an whatnot..aint nuttin worse than seein a man in dipers sweepin the floor when he walks I'll tell you what..cept maybe for too otha things...the first time we let the cat in the same room as grampa when he first got the diaper and the stupid thing thinks they his somethin what autta be batted round...and stuck to both like velcro..oh..yea..thats the otha thing..folks what say nevah declaw a cat aint nevah hadda grampa with tired goobers and man dipers...period..the otha thing is when grampa got goin real quick least for him..and hit one of the door thresh holds with his tired cat toys...grampas eyes was sometimes inches deep in his eye sockets for moss of three years now..cept for when that cat finally caught his rug trawlin cat toys and he hit the door thresh hole that day..my god ifn he had glasses I'm guessin his eyeballs wooda hit the inside of his lens is for shore..anyway..whare wuz I...oh yes..so the meat is on the egg...i'm back in the howse..and the turtle hed is finally comin out..this is the point whare ifn i was nakid before and some won did see me..id now be yellin..oh yea..call me acorn paulie NOW!..anyhow like i sed i aint like otha folks when they take down their trees....I bring in a barrel from outside..take some prune in sheers..and cut the thing to pieces..and stick it in the barrel...this way I aint gotta deal with a trail of needles thr the howse and out the door..plus...since I gotta bring the tree to the dump to recycle it.....it's in the barrel all ready an whatnot..so..here I was half weigh through that tree coverd in needles when the phone rang..it's a hed hunter and he asked ifn I kood be at a company 2 hours ride from my house three hours from now..for any what no's nuttin bout math that means I had somehtin like less than an hower to get reddy..plus..here i is with a tree half cut up...the egg rolling away...an kids comin home in 4 howers. What'd I do? Faster than my sista beulah can pull her teeth out...I is on the phone thing callin in my mother in law..an I splained to her the situation bout not only the tree but the roast two..anyway..I left the tree half cut up..ran out side and grabbed the roast what had been smokin for maybe 3 howers at this point...brought it inside and threw it in a crockpot with some stock and some veggies real quick..and got dressed...lucky for me my tie was still tied from when my uncle carl **** the bed an we hadda funeral for home..lucky me I wuz the one what found him and got to keep his fake teeth..its sorta a tradishun in mine family..to this day I still use them to crimp my pies closed...nobody whats nobody makes a betta pie edge than me..an I aint easliy gonna give up the secret neetha...them folks what stare at my pie in amazement don't gotta no how it got done none..nevah...anyway..the mother in law comes ovah..the tree is half cut down, grampas furry cat toy stabbin sharp pined needles all ova the floor..nuttin i kood do but to leave it all like that. It wuz tuff to leave in such a hurry..an leave it all in that shape an whatnot an I don't mine tellin you I was a little frazzled the ress of the day but when I came home from the interview, what went good i herd..cept now they want me to rite a essay bout somethin..****..like i kin rite like that..bet they want them paragrafs two..im in trubble for shore..but when I got home the pot roast was done and my mom in law..with the help of won of my youngins..had finished cuttin up the tree and cleaned up all them grampas furry cat toy stabbin sharp pined needles an all the ress of the tree was outside inna barrel reddy fore the dump...now i shore gotta hand it to my mom-in-law..bein kallt outta the blew like that and jumpin in an helpin out so that maybe I kin may be git me a job..plus finishin cuttin up the tree and all that..i tole her to juss leave it be and i'd maybe finish it when i got home..but she did it nowhow..bless her self...i'm plum tired..feel like i bin typin for 10 minits may be more if i lookt at the clock...i gotta go an start that essay..i'm tired of bein home...it's bin maybe three months now..an if'n i see my sista beulah nakid juss one more time I may go bline..the first time I thought she was warin a hairy tutu...now i aint so shore..she walked cross the tv when i wuz watchin the cops show...to see if it wuz the won with my cousin Billy onnit..and all the static pulled her fur ova to won side an i seen her axe wound..clear as day..lordy if that evah happens agin i don't care how big that guys axe is I'm gonna hunt him down an put a hurtin on him somethin fierce..nobody autta hafta walk round needin so much fur just cuz their axe wound is the size of a giant sea clam..that aint rite..I mean juss cuz of that she gotta ware really big gramma undies..momma cant evin put them out to dry cuz they is so big they act like big ole kites and pullt down the clothes line three times..plus since she got all that goin on folks in town say things like they kood serve tea on her ass or maybe rent it out for a bill bored or somethin....

    anyway....good luck with the egg..but remember this...afore I started cooking onna egg...i neva rote nuttin..now look at me...i gotta rite a hole essay al by mine self...the egg changes a man for shore...

    StumpBaby
  • lowercasebilllowercasebill Posts: 5,218
    thats the one thanks.
  • jbhjbh Posts: 23
    You, sir, are gonna be responsible for me havin to buy a new keyboard. It's full-a rum'n'coke! Now I can hardly breathe!
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