Food Network 2010

Bacchus · January 2010

1. Annoying family members
Enough is enough, Food Network. I’m watching your channel to pick up some new culinary tips… not to watch John Cusimano clumsily following Rachael Ray around a souvenir shop in Hawaii. Here’s a general rule of thumb: if the family members aren’t adding anything of value to the program (I’m looking at you too, Michael Groover), then get ‘em the hell off my television.

2. The same repeats, over and over and over
Just because I missed Sunday’s episode of Barefoot Contessa doesn’t mean I need to see it Monday at 4, Tuesday at 2, Wednesday at 6, and Friday at noon. Why not mix things up a bit? Play a fun episode from last year instead. LET LOOSE. GET CRAAAAZY.

3. Dirty fingernails
Is it really brain surgery, chefs? You’re cooking on television. Frequent close-ups of your hands are a virtual necessity. I think I speak on behalf of America when I say no one really needs to see the residual dirt under your fingernails from your brief stint in the garden yesterday.

4. Sunglasses on the back of Guy Fieri’s head
Better yet, just ban him from wearing sunglasses altogether. Let the bitch squint. I don’t care. Television – and humanity as a whole – will be much better off.

5. Constant reminders that food smells good
You can’t watch the Food Network for 5 minutes without hearing some schmuck carrying on about how good their simmering garlic smells. “Ooooh, this smells SOOOO good. Mmmmm!” Guess what? It’s garlic. It’s cooking in olive oil. No shit it smells good. I don’t need to see you borderline orgasming over the odor to clue me in to that fact. Come up with another way to get me excited about your stupid chicken dish.

6. Food Network Challenges
No one likes this boring show, so why does Food Network insist on airing it at least 5 times a day? It’s simply awful. If you’ve seen one episode, you’ve seen ‘em all. You can only watch Buddy Valastro trying to animate a Santa Claus for so long before you actually start feeling your brain cells dying. Oh, and spoiler alert: Bronwen Weber wins.

7. Paula Deen overdosing on Y’ALL
Paula Deen clearly excels as some things, like cooking with butter, avoiding encounters with dog poo in her home, and slipping the word Y’ALL into a conversation as much as humanly possible. Here’s a typical Paula Deen sentence: “Hey y’all, today on Paula’s Best Dishes y’all, we’re cookin FISH Y’ALL. And y’all… (pause to lick something off fingers)… y’all just ain’t gonna believe how easy it is, y’all.” Um, okay. We get it. You live in Georgia. We don’t need to be reminded of that 25 times every minute, so here’s what I’m proposing: the Food Network needs to set and enforce a strict limit of no more than 5 Y’ALLs per episode. Less is more, Paula. Less is more.

8. The Neely’s constantly asking each other for “brown sugar”
…and then giggling about it to the camera for 15 seconds. That term was funny once. In 1992. But now it’s just annoying.

9. People talking with their mouths full
Get some freakin’ class. Were you raised by a pack of wolves? Frankly, all of the Food Network full mouth talkers are disgusting… but none of them more so than Guy Fieri. He’s the worst. Few things on television disgust me more than his behavior on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Every time he takes a bite of food, the cameras zoom in on his greasy face and he starts talking – mouth full, of course – about how juicy and “on point” it is. You know, I was intrigued by the food until I saw what it looked like splattered on the camera lens after your SALIVA STARTED BREAKING IT DOWN, you disgusting pig.

10. Ina Garten’s same 3 gay friends
For Christ’s sake, Ina. Do the world a favor. Go to a gay pride parade. Pick up some interesting new gays. Because if I have to watch Michael arranging hydrangeas one more time, I’ll lose my mind.

PS. These arent my words, rather those on a website I found to be humorous. I actually like Guy Fieri alot. RB

SoonerChris · January 2010

Bacchus wrote:

8. The Neely’s constantly asking each other for “brown sugar”
…and then giggling about it to the camera for 15 seconds. That term was funny once. In 1992. But now it’s just annoying.

This.

Grandpas Grub · January 2010

:laugh: :laugh:

As I was reading I was thinking 'Wow Baccus' way to go man.

GG

Boilermaker Ben · January 2010

I was seriously burned out on Food Network for most of '09. I just have no interest in almost any of the shows. I watched Next Iron Chef, but I doubt I'll watch the next season of it, as season two was terrible. I watched ICA...occasionally... But I've essentially abandoned it for PBS cooking shows now. Happily, I discovered two new PBS channels in the higher numbers on my cable lineup just a few months ago. I can often find an episode of Rick Bayless, or Lidia's Italy, or Ming Tsai, or America's Test Kitchen, or something with Jacques Pepin, any of which are better than just about everything FN has to offer. I haven't even bothered to watch any Good Eats in a while, just because I so rarely tune in to FN anymore. The GE episodes all wind up on youtube, so I can check them out there, if the mood strikes me.

I did watch my first season of Top Chef this year, and thought it was much better than Next Iron Chef, or Chopped or Next Food Network Shmuck...I mean Star. I'm not sure how the other seasons have been, but Top Chef Las Vegas and Top Chef Masters were very good, this year.

Little Steven · January 2010

Ron,

I haven't watched the food network in years. Just sick of the stuff mentioned there and more.

Steve

hornhonk · January 2010

Now I'm getting a little worried. Bacchus must be a mind reader! I agree. Especially the stuff about Guy Fieri. He can stop saying everthing is "Money!",too. And way,way, too many shows about cake decorating..maybe I'm getting old,but,am I the only one bothered by nose and lip rings? Lastly, I watched an old re-run of Rachael Ray this morning and a recent one a little later. Is it my imagination or does she appear to have grown weary of the show?

milesofsmiles · January 2010

Spot on. Thats Money. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Angela · January 2010

+1 to everything you posted and I LOL'd at the Guy Fieri comment :laugh:

I'll add what I'd like to see, more actual cooking shows by international chefs cooking their native cuisine. I don't want to see yet another generic show with the chefs version of roast chicken or any other basic American fair. You guys have beat that horse already.

AZRP · January 2010

I'm with you on the PBS shows, I even caught Sara Moultin when I was channel surfing last weekend. -RP

Car Wash Mike · January 2010

Did you forget Sandra Lee and the perfect little world she lives in? LOL There is a worm in the salad, she just covers up it well.
Giada needs a zoom lens on the oven cam. :woohoo: :woohoo: :ohmy:

Mike

YB · January 2010

Now I had rather watch Cash Cab on the Discovery channel than Food Network Ron.LOL

Larry

Boilermaker Ben · January 2010

Arduinna,
Check out the PBS channels, they often show ethnic cooking shows. The ones in my area (so far, I've found 5 PBS stations on cable) regularly show Rick Bayless (Mexican food), Lidia Bastianich (Italian), Ming Tsai and Martin Yan (Chinese) and Jacques Pepin (French). All of these are truly cooking shows. There's also a show called Gourmet's Diary of a Foodie, which, while not really an instructional cooking show, is all about global cuisine.

fishlessman · January 2010

you know the tv is getting bad when your looking for something to watch and your down to foodnetwork, hgtv, and the weather channel :laugh:

BigDaddy - OCT · January 2010

I do find that I'm watching FoodTV much less than I used to but I'm bored by Big Daddy (besides, he stole my handle), tired of Paula's cackle, and then Neely's just make me want to throw up!! (I think I have done it a couple of times in my mouth).

I didn't know PBS offered so much so I will now spend more time channel surfing to find out what's out there. I completely agree with the comment about more International chef's cooking their home cuisine.

That's all for now,

BD

Eggerman1 · January 2010

That is great and I agree with the damn food network challenges, why are they always cake making challenges? And the Neely's show is borderline porn how they talk to each other. And what happen to grill week last summer, I don't remember seeing it.

Notice the rant never mentions the italian lady that shows uber cleavage and pronounces mozzarella like she invented the word.

BENTE · January 2010

i have to agree with you ron i was getting a little burned out three years ago but kept watching a few shows. like throwdown and good eats.. now i only record a couple good eats now and then just cause alton is teaching me something everytime i watch..

i agree with the pbs comment above also. i do watch more rick blayless than anyone else... shame on food network

Little Steven · January 2010

Ben,

Is Yan still around. He did his show out of Toronto when I was in high school. Eggcellent clever skills :laugh:

Steve

Humphrey Chimpden Earwicker · January 2010

see
http://foodnetworkhumor.com/2010/01/update-cablevision-drops-food-network-and-hgtv/#more-3994

anyone elsenot getting it any longer (um, food network, i mean)?

Angela · January 2010

I do watch PBS, but I'd like to see something other than the typical Mexican, Italian and Chinese. Shows on those cuisines are pretty easy to come by and most likely to be included on any basic cooking program on occasion.

I have found Tommy Tangs Thai cooking show but I can't remember what cable channel it's on, his show is a little odd though. What I really want to see is a good show on Indian, Japanese ( my daughters favorite ), Greek and something in the area of Lebanese, Turkish, Iranian or Pakistani food.

I have the cookbooks. I cook a wide variety of international cuisines, but I would like to watch some cooking shows on them too.

fishlessman · January 2010

comcast has it in hd here :laugh:

Boilermaker Ben · January 2010

I almost forgot...there are a couple shows about Scandinavian cooking, too.

If you're looking for Indian. Try googling "vah reh vah chef". Not very good from a production point of view, but the food looks good, and the unintentional humor is priceless.

Boilermaker Ben · January 2010

My favorite Bourdain quote: regarding Sandra Lee "Velveeta on a Trisquit doth not an hors d'oeurve make."
Hilarious.

Angela · January 2010

oh yeah, New Scandinavian cooking. I've watched it in the past. It's interesting, but it's one of the few cuisines that doesn't really get my interest. Other than pletts, ebelskivers and Swedish meatballs. Ok well I do love Scandinavian baking, they do make incredible breads, pastry and cookies.

Boilermaker Ben · January 2010

I haven't seen him on any of the PBS channels in a few months, but earlier this year, at least one of the channels was showing him with regularity. They may have been recycles of old shows, though. But still worth watching. His technique for slicing beef tenderloin has saved me a lot of time and frustration.

Bacchus · January 2010

Boilermaker Ben · January 2010

Amen on Bayless, Bente. He's a favorite. My wife and I went to his restaurant in June, for our 5th anniversary. Hands down, one of the best meals of my life. He is active on twitter, and kindly answers all sorts of questions from his fans.

Humphrey Chimpden Earwicker · January 2010

i'm on comcast too.

Plumbr44 · January 2010

I agree...

I will just donate my 2 cents, though.. Not the whole dollar.

Rachel is hot, not 2 ways about it. I am a sucker for a girl that loves food, has killer hips, can cook, and is rich. I hate John in those vacation shows, actually I just hate John. I see nothing good about that man adding to any show on earth, I don't even like his music. He knows Jack about food, Rachel should really coach him, or bring me along...

Guy is just Guy.. Love him or hate him. I enjoyed the Chefography show on him.

Giada is gorgeous, and will probably age well. I hate Tom too for obvious reasons, but he seems to know his place on the camera and stays quiet.

"Smell-o-vision" is coming.. I hope?

I can't even spell how Paula says oil.. I agree with the ya'll.. It doesn't sell anything on tv, plus I saw somewhere where some of her products were
recalled due to violent fragmentations. Prolly needed more butter?

The Nelley's might cook good and love each other, but gimme a break.. That man is spineless. All the "chocolate and brown sugar" borders on racism if anyone white said it that many times. I've had their food, it's not that good..

I'd love to see a show with Ina Garten and Andrew Dice Clay.. Enough said on that one, just close your eyes and giggle..

I don't mind so much the food in the mouth thing simply because I do that a lot, and that's just the way Guy can be...

Alton is a geek, but you gotta love him in Good Eats, He makes me think.

Robert Irvine is kinda cool, but is such a drama king. Does way better than the few shows Simon did.

I don't care to watch anything gross cooked or eaten on TV.. I was married to the worst cook in the world years ago and already lived that dream..

Lots more thoughts, but I must slice some beef for hot beef sammies, wit' gravy and smashed taters for my working gal. Baking fresh buns on the Egg to split open, mmmmmmmmm.. "spot on the money", BAM, and all that other FTV talk...

Little Steven · January 2010

I just looked up his bio and Yan can Cook debuted in 1978, unfortunately some years after I completed high school.

Steve

JB · January 2010

Now that's funny!

Mickey · January 2010

Very good.
America's Test Kitchen is tops.
Big fan of Cook's Illustrated & Cook's Country.

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