OT - Tell Us A Joke

@lousubcap‌ ) :-bd It's a Bakers Dozen for our Midshipmen! Gonna steal that one shipmate. :-)

Why is it so difficult to solve a murder in Oklahoma?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

I remember the first time I had sex. I was so afraid. I was all alone.

The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree!

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to put it?

...Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.

I'll probably get banned for this...

What's the difference between driving in fog and eating pu$$y?

At least when you're eating pu$$y, you can see the a$$hole in front of you.


Pulled a ab muscle the first time I heard this I was laughing so hard...

hell, the forum's cybernetic id and super-ego turned "pu$$y" (not sic) into "****"

I chow down on parsley.  Sometimes I'll even season it with some meat.

 

henapple said:

What does an Alabama cheerleader say after sex..."get off me daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes". >:)

I heard this as "What are a West Virginia girl's first words during sex?"

In the same vein - How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Because if it had been invented anywhere else it would be a teethbrush.

HELL OF A DAY

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps Up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

 

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

 

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."

 

 "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

This is the dirtiest clean joke I know:

 

A mother and father are struggling with the fact that their 7 year old son has a filthy mouth.  As Christmas is approaching they ask him what he would like from Santa and he says "A f***ing train track and a g*d d*mn m*therf***ing bicycle."  They have been to counselors and psychologists and nothing has worked so far.  When they take him to the mall to see Santa, as he waits in line with his mother, the father sneaks up and warns Santa and asks him not to make a scene as one of the strategies is to not give him extra attention because of the dirty words.  When the boy gets on Santa's lap he tells Santa I want a f***ing train track and a g*d d*mn m*therf***ing bicycle."  Santa shrugs it off and moves along.

A little while later as they are walking around the mall, a strange man approaches the parents and pulls them aside to talk.  He says "You don't recognize me because I'm not in the Santa outfit, but I am a behavioral child psychologist and I have a suggestion for how to handle your son's issue.  This Christmas season may be the perfect time to provide some negative reinforcement for this bad behavior and you may be able to extinguish the behavior.  He needs to learn that this is not the appropriate way to ask for things.  The best way to learn this is for him to not get them and to get something really negative instead.  I would suggest that when he wakes up on Christmas morning, instead of finding a train track under the tree or a bicycle in the garage he should find something like dog sh*t.  From this he will learn that his bad behavior will have negative consequences."

As the parents didn't have any better idea, they figured they would give it a shot.

On Christmas morning, the boy ran out to look under the tree for his train track and found only a dog turd with his name on it.  He then went into the garage and found even more dog sh*t with his name on it. So, he went out into the front yard and started looking up and down the street.  The kid from across the street was riding his new bike and ringing the bell on it as he rode by and said "I got this new bike for Christmas!  What did you get?"

The little boy replied "I GOT A F*CKING DOG, BUT I CAN'T FIND THE S*N OF A B*TCH."