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Random Thread - Best man speech!

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balliardi
balliardi Posts: 72
edited April 2012 in EggHead Forum
Chaps,

I'm to be best man to my best mate in a few weeks time. Anyone got any decent jokes I could pilfer?

Thanks!
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Comments

  • cortguitarman
    cortguitarman Posts: 2,061
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    May all of your ups and downs and ons and outs be between the sheets.
    Mark Annville, PA
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  • cortguitarman
    cortguitarman Posts: 2,061
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    Oops, I mean ins and outs.
    Mark Annville, PA
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  • gabriegger
    gabriegger Posts: 682
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    I've used this twice. Once it brought the house down. The other it crashed and burned. Buyer beware....." I'm told the best man's speech is expected to last as long as the groom is reported to last during the act of lovemaking. So thanks for being here and enjoy your dinner."

    the city above Toronto - Noodleville wtih 2 Large 1 Mini

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  • Mickey
    Mickey Posts: 19,674
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    =))
    Salado TX & 30A  FL: Egg Family: 3 Large and a very well used Mini, added a Mini Max when they came out (I'm good for now). Plus a couple Pit Boss Pellet Smokers.   

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  • Chubbs
    Chubbs Posts: 6,929
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    I've used this twice. Once it brought the house down. The other it crashed and burned. Buyer beware....." I'm told the best man's speech is expected to last as long as the groom is reported to last during the act of lovemaking. So thanks for being here and enjoy your dinner."

    I think that line has been used in every single best man speech I have heard.
    Columbia, SC --- LBGE 2011 -- MINI BGE 2013
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  • YukonBill
    YukonBill Posts: 23
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    The speech should be "like a good skirt. Long enough to cover all the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting." ...or something along those lines, good luck.
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  • Brownie
    Brownie Posts: 1,023
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    The best speech I've seen  the best man got up and told everyone how busy everyone's been getting  the wedding ready he barely had time to prepare a speech, but he finally got time to take a seat and write a few things down. At this time he removed a roll of toilet paper and began to read his speech.....It was very funny!
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  • Ragtop99
    Ragtop99 Posts: 1,570
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    Last time I did one, which was years ago, I used a poem.  If you make a rhyme about the groom using a Dr. Suess book, that will be funny an easy to do.
    Cooking on an XL and Medium in Bethesda, MD.
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  • ButtNeckid
    ButtNeckid Posts: 28
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    Here's to woman,creature divine

    ,reserves the right to change her mind.

    Don't fret friend,all will be fine,

    All you have to do is mind.

    When you're in the loo,having a shave'

    she will surely enter

    and take a dump in the cave.

    Keep your mouth shut

    be sure to behave.

    It's like when you dated

    and danced in the clover.

    It is sign

    The Honeymoon's OVER!

    Live long and Prosper!

     

     

     

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  • egret
    egret Posts: 4,170
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    The one I've used several times......May bad luck follow you both all the rest of your days.........but never overtake you!
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  • balliardi
    balliardi Posts: 72
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    Thanks guys, keep em coming!
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  • tazcrash
    tazcrash Posts: 1,852
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    Congrats, and here's the one I used as an opener. Careful if there is a family issue there.
    While looking at notes, 
    "Hi, My name is Walter, and I've been sober for..... Ooops, wrong meeting" - look @ toast glass. "gonna have to update that".


    The one I've used several times......May bad luck follow you both all the rest of your days.........but never overtake you!

    =D>
    Bx - > NJ ->TX!!! 
    All to get cheaper brisket! 
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  • xraypat23
    xraypat23 Posts: 421
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    gabriegger, I've used it once and it did bring the house down. I like the opener that goes something like this....."fornication(long pause while the laughter calms down) excuse me, for an occasion such as this..." than go into it, works every time
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  • B-Eph
    B-Eph Posts: 9
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    My best man did this for me at my wedding and it was awesome! He planned some help ahead of time to have some of the people in the audience in on it to fuel it. At the end of his speach (the raise a glass part) he led into a mock sports anouncement of a winning touchdown. Pick whatever works for you if your town/city has a really memorable sports moment that may help. You can tie into your speach however you like.

    But you know the sort...
     There's 10 seconds on the clock for one last play,
     Here's the snap...(people start clapping).
     Here's the pass...IT's caught!...(people cheering)
     He breaks a tackle...he's at the 40..the 30..the 10...touch down! At that point the whole wedding was on their feet clapping and cheering. It was pretty neat but take a little planning.

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  • fishlessman
    fishlessman Posts: 32,754
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    seen a real bad one a while back, wrong crowd
    :))started with     marriage....... the first step toward divorce        went on with how nervous the groom was before the wedding and the best man squatting on stage dropped a brick  from behind to demonstrate shiitin bricks. it was a real long speech, silence the whole time, people still talking about it so it must have gone over well
    :D
    fukahwee maine

    you can lead a fish to water but you can not make him drink it
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  • stike
    stike Posts: 15,597
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    god forbid anyone make a sincere speech instead of trying to be the funniest dude in the room
    :-??
    ed egli avea del cul fatto trombetta -Dante
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  • Smokin_Trout
    Smokin_Trout Posts: 506
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    I was at one where the wife surely wore the pants. So the best man had the groom hold his hand above the brides- then he said "that is the last time you will ever have the upper hand".
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  • scooter759
    scooter759 Posts: 257
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    No matter what you open with or use in the body, I feel you should finish on something serious and thoughtful when you raise your glass "May your love for each other be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever". Pretty sappy I know but I have used it twice.

     

    Extra Large, 2 Large, Medium, Mini Max, Weber Summit gasser, Weber Q. Mankato, MN
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  • BRush00
    BRush00 Posts: 367
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    I just got married a couple years ago (just about 3 now actually... wow)

    Anyways, as Stike said, don't underestimate a sincere heartfelt speech.  Believe it or not, I had some heartfelt speeches at my wedding, as well as a few funny ones, and far and away, both my wife and I agree, the heartfelt, serious speech were the best.

    ALSO:  Don't forget, this is not your buddies wedding.  No matter what he says, it's HER wedding.  and if you ruin HER wedding, you will not be seeing very much of your buddy very much longer (at least, if he still values his wife's "talents")
    [Insert clever signature line here]
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  • The Cen-Tex Smoker
    The Cen-Tex Smoker Posts: 22,961
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    I just got married a couple years ago (just about 3 now actually... wow)

    Anyways, as Stike said, don't underestimate a sincere heartfelt speech.  Believe it or not, I had some heartfelt speeches at my wedding, as well as a few funny ones, and far and away, both my wife and I agree, the heartfelt, serious speech were the best.

    ALSO:  Don't forget, this is not your buddies wedding.  No matter what he says, it's HER wedding.  and if you ruin HER wedding, you will not be seeing very much of your buddy very much longer (at least, if he still values his wife's "talents")
    Well said. It's ok to have a few targeted one liners but it's more important for them to know they have the blessing and support of their friends and family. 

    a few tips:
    1- make sure everyone is there before you start. (did one where the groom's mom was in the bathroom and had to start over) 
    2) learn the names of the parents and thank them for such a wonderful evening and tell the brides parents that they have a beautiful daughter (insert "not sure how she ended up with this guy" joke here). if there is a special grandma/grandpa/beloved uncle, acknowledge them too. Everyone likes to feel important and you can't go wrong edifying people. 
    3) 1 or 2 targeted one liners early to break the ice (keep these generic about how he married over his head, or that you question whether her eyesight is functioning properly etc. no personal stuff- ever)
    4) finish sincerely by welcoming her into you and your friends lives and congratulating them on their new life together. Tell her how happy your friend has been since they met and that you could not be happier for him to be with such a special person

    Your job is to 1) not screw it up and 2) be the bridge between your friends and her. You can't screw it up telling her how awesome she is and how lucky your friend is. 

    5 minutes max


    Keepin' It Weird in The ATX FBTX
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  • Hi54putty
    Hi54putty Posts: 1,873
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    Cen-Tex,
    Eggcellent advice. I couldn't agree more. I have heard some very bad and inappropriate speeches by groomsmen. Very unfortunate.

    Short, funny, and sincere is best. Good luck.
    XL,L,S 
    Winston-Salem, NC 
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  • balliardi
    balliardi Posts: 72
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    Thanks everyone. I've started on the speech now, and it's definitely erring on the emotive, sincere side. Have managed a few jibes at the groom's expense though.

    Bad inappropriate speech - reminds me of Four Weddings and a Funeral (English film you may not be familiar with) where the best man stands up and says "I'm so pleased that Jack has married Lydia, most of his other girlfriends were complete dogs! And may I say, how lovely it is to see so many of them here with us today..."

    Keep your suggestions coming though - funny and moving at the same time - what a nice bunch of people frequent these boards!

     

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  • Gato
    Gato Posts: 766
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    Still no quote button on here but @BRush00 is a wise man.
    Geaux Tigers!!!
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  • BRush00
    BRush00 Posts: 367
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    Still no quote button on here but @BRush00 is a wise man.
    Oh please @Gato - can you tell my wife?
    [Insert clever signature line here]
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  • The Cen-Tex Smoker
    The Cen-Tex Smoker Posts: 22,961
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    Thanks everyone. I've started on the speech now, and it's definitely erring on the emotive, sincere side. Have managed a few jibes at the groom's expense though.

    Bad inappropriate speech - reminds me of Four Weddings and a Funeral (English film you may not be familiar with) where the best man stands up and says "I'm so pleased that Jack has married Lydia, most of his other girlfriends were complete dogs! And may I say, how lovely it is to see so many of them here with us today..."

    Keep your suggestions coming though - funny and moving at the same time - what a nice bunch of people frequent these boards!

     

    One of my favorite movies (the English version). Pure greatness 
    Keepin' It Weird in The ATX FBTX
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  • OMG Eggs
    OMG Eggs Posts: 118
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    • YouTube.com.  You'll see the good, the bad and the ugly.
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