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Weak 15

This past weekend, of course, was conference championship weekend. You saw everything from big-time top-shelf matchups to mediocre showdowns played in mostly empty stadiums, so I guess it's a good warm-up for bowel season.

Most of the attention was on the SEC Championship game, where R Ban Meyer and Florida overcame the black magic of Nick Satan to move on to the BS Championship game. Oklahoma, representing the Big Eight West, blew out Missouri and will get the opportunity to face Florida.

But I also enjoyed many of the other conference championship games that day.

East Carolina upheld their expansion state pride by knocking off the Tulsa Hurricanes, who are a farm team of the school in Coral Gables. ECU thus won the Conference UFO title, which is apparently the Triple-A level of college football.

Western Virginia beat Southern Florida and Pitt had a big blowout win. The Big East always does things bass-ackwards; they have western Canadian teams like Yukon and they had the conference semi-finals a week after the conference final matchup between the Mountain Men and my Panthers. The Big East even scheduled a consolation game between Va Tech and Boston College.

The NFL also got into the act. I had read they were going to move up the Pro Bowel to before the Super Bowel, and they played it last week in Honolulu. Apparently the Bengals' season is over, because they went out to Oahu and nearly lost to a local all-star team. Meanwhile Balled State's dreams of an undefeated season ended at the hands of the Bills.

My favorite championship over the weekend was the showdown in Pasadena for the Pac-8 title, featuring Southern Cal and UCLA. We're talking about two bitter rivals. Underneath the pileups there was lots of eye-gouging and even some titty-twisters.

But enough about the battle between the cheerleaders, the Trojans won the football game too.

Wait, back to the cheerleaders, I can never stop talking about them. As this is the 40th anniversary of the Song Girls, I'd like to salute Beth from the 2002 squad.

Beth was one of the better liked squad members thanks to her bright smile and fine figure. She used to head a few miles north of Inglewood and hang out on the Sunset Strip, where she made friends with the handful of straight young actors in Hollywood.

One day, however, Beth slipped on the sidewalk and chipped her tooth and all her dental work fell out. Concerned people started to look into her background and it turned out Beth had a lot of work done. They discovered that Beth had not only had her teeth capped, she had her chest implanted, bum lifted, tummy tucked, forehead flattened, hair colored, inputs tightened, and septum undeviated.

For one of the Hollywood guys it was a bit too late as he'd married Beth, only to learn she was 45-year-old actress Demi Moore.

And now you know the rest of the story.

A week from now I'll be passing my 2008 bowel preview. You wouldn't believe some of the crap I've dug up this year.
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