OT-midnight laugh

Luvs to shoot clay

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that

sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and

I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Rita.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized

taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short

lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,

allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought

it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the

button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that

if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface

at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting

back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Rita what that burn

spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself

that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A

batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Shelby looking on intently

(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and

thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &

blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Shelby (for a fraction of a

second) and thought better of it. He is such a sweet dog.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect

herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it

would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my

reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,

directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to

cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on

the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than

three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm

looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than

3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with

two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no

possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...? I'm sitting there alone, Shelby looking on with his

head cocked to one side as to say, " don't do it dipshit,"

reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole

thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a

one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to

my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,

picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the

carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking

up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body

soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be

found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs?

The dog was making whining sounds I had never heard before,

sitting on the mantel above the fireplace,

obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body

flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,

one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second

burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing

until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing

about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered

conservative?

SON-OF-A-****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative

thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had

left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading

glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was

upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally

was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,

and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the

drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know

for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke

cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm

still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward

for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me

with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid





Not really!

Slotmercenary

amazing how long stuff circulates on the net. kinda like mash reruns. still worth a chuckle.

Luvs to shoot clay

Sorry if it was an old one. It is still news if you haven't read it. I laughed too hard not to pass it on.

Frank from Houma

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of Warren Park in Burleson, Texas.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Sarge, who was visiting from Portland, Oregon.
Sarge: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1 - ERIN'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Sarge) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting wasted from all of the beer.

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge #1 -- Meaty - strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. To heck with those rednecks.
CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge #1 – Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic - Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my arse with a snow cone.
CHILI #7 - AGGIE'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too hot, bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Rascal

Now that's halarious! You guys gave me the best belly laughs I've had in a while! 8 - )